Sunday, March 31, 2013

finally arrived

7.50pagi : arrived melaka sentral.
Sampai jugak aku ke maktab
Alhamdulillah selamat sampai jugak. 
Well, penat + sakit kepala tak usah cakap.
Dah la kali ni duk tingkat atas bus transnasional ni yang maha sempit.


tak per la.
Alah bisa tegal biasa.
Dah macam macam dugaan naik bus yang aku hadapi, dengan syida.
bus rosak, tayar pecah, bus bocor, nak kena tinggal dengan bus, apa lagi? Semua dah rasa. 
Tu tak masuk bus merempit maha dasyat tahap kecut perut 
Life, experiences. kesusahan ajar erti hidup.
Boleh je nak naik flight since dekat dengan rumah airport kelantan tapi biarlah. Tak yah susahkan mak ayah dengan duit tiket flight.
Aku boleh hidup macam ni. 

Balik maktab dugaan kunci tak de pulak dah aiyh. Nasib baik ada jpp blok kediaman yang baik hati tolong bagi kunci bilik penyelia. Boleh ambik kunci duplicate tu. Semoga Allah reward kebaikan anda hanim. 


Terus tidur tak ingat dunia sebab penat + sakit belakang. 
Bangun- bangun terus unpack and kemas bilik
Now tan of works are waiting
Sabar lah, dah nak habis dah pun assignments tu. dah 80% settle. Hantar semua this week lagi 10% tak settle
Pastu hooray bebas. 

May Allah bless.
esok dah 1 April, aku dah nak jejak 22 tahun
Sayu pulak rasa hati.. Seriously sayu entah sebab ape. 

cast away that feelings and lets focus on academic purposes. 
I know what I want. 

p/s : balik maktab ni la darah menyirap dengan peraturan yang entah pape. one reason to hate being here,, heavenly hell life (bak kata scha)  here that I have to endure until the end. I will survive. Just bring it on

Saturday, March 30, 2013

sisa sisa cuti

30/3/2013
finally cuti dah habis.Malam ni macam biasa naik bus. Malam ni macam biasa hati memberontak tak mahu balik penjara tu lagi, #ehh tapi lebih rela aku di sana.

harus kembali kepada kehidupan sebagai pelajar or mahasiswa guru dengan assignment yang bertan tan. Harap bersabar wahai hati, sikit je lagi assignment nak habis. Lepas tu boleh fokus pada fail fail dan jugak kuiz. Pastu jom berjimba and that's it, final.

Sekejap je kan masa berlalu. Cepatlah berlalu, tapi along the way, I wanted to enjoy my life. 

Dan April bakal berkunjung tiba. Sisa sisa lagi empat hari sebelum aku officially melangkah 22 tahun. 

Mungkin perlu refleksi diri, apa yang aku dah buat selama 22 tahun ni. Konfirm konfirm tak mampu aku jadik seperti mereka-mereka yang gagah seperti di zaman Rasulullah s.a.w yang berjaya menawan kota , tapi apakah yang aku buat selama ini?

beratkah pertimbangan aku ke arah kejahatan atau kebaikan? 

Allahu,, ampuni aku. 
Allahu, Kau yang maha Mengenali diri ini. 
bimbing aku, jangan semakin aku menginjak dewasa, semakin aku lalai. jangan.
berikan aku kematangan dalam berfikir. 

till then, adios. Au revoir. Entah bila aku nak jenguk blog ni. 

Friday, March 29, 2013

jangan lepaskan tangan aku
biar aku tetap menjadi anak kecil di matamu
sekalipun aku ni sudah menginjak dewasa
sekalipun aku ini perlahan lahan mati jiwanya

aku hanya ingin membahagiakan kalian
semoga kalian redha dengan aku

sekalipun aku banyak berbeza pandangan dari kalian
suatu hari, pasti, aku akan dapat melihat sendiri kebenaran kata katamu
kerana mereka berkata
membahagiakan kalian adalah sesuatu yang cukup indah

jangan lepaskan tangan aku
sekalipun tidak aku susahkan kalian lagi
aku masih perlukan kasih sayang kalian
masih perlukan untuk merasa masakan air tangan dari kalian. 

masih memerlukan
biarkan aku selamanya menjadi anak kecil kalian. 
hingga bila tiba masa aku diserahkan untuk menjadi tanggungjawab pada yang halal
namun, kalian akan tetap dijaga.

jangan lepaskan
bila tiba masa, aku pulang dengan ijazah kebanggaan kalian
bila tiba masa, aku pulang menjaga kalian.
sampai bila bila, aku perlukan kalian. 
life is a beautiful sadness. 

perhaps you are the reason of my beautiful sadness. 

it's you, 
-mr. R- 

s.a.b.a.r

sabar itu indah. 
kata orang lah.

aku menanti untuk merasai indah nya nikmat sabar itu
semoga aku kurang merungut dengan apa yang aku ada sekarang.

All I can say is, I am appreciating everything that I have, bury the negatives thoughts in me. 

Aku mahu jadi insan yang sabar. Sabar dalam berkorban, sekalipun kecik je pengorbanan aku ni nak dibandingkan pengorbanan mereka

Semoga aku tidak menyesal di kemudian hari, sebab itu aku ambil keputusan ini. 

kata kata rohilmi, 
maybe petunjuk tu dah diberi kepada mereka supaya suruh aku masuk kat sini. 

aku pegang kata kata itu.

Sabar, 
suatu hari nanti aku pasti merasai nikmatnya. Aku percaya janji NYA. aku bersyukur, terima kasih kerana menjadikan aku insan yang kuat di sini. 


Sabar, 
suatu hari nanti, pasti akan ada yang datang untuk menjadi one and only. Yang akan melihat setiap flaws aku adalah kelebihan aku.
Cukup aku hanya cantik dia matanya. Growing up with low self esteem, having thoughts that I am not as pretty as others, rupanya ada jugak orang yang share feeling yang sama iaitu kak fynn. kak fynn, you are lucky to have a wonderful husband. ye sabar itu kuncinya. 
Sabar untuk suatu nanti akan ada yang melihat kebaikan hati budi melebihi kecantikan luaran. 
jadi, let's change myself to be a better person, better muslimah. Open my heart to the one and only, the right one that HE choose for me. 

Sabar,
untuk suatu hari nanti, aku bebas. 
ye bebas
By that time, I need space and time for myself to do all the things that I wanted to do.
sementara itu, sabar. 

SABAR itu indah. 
Semoga aku terus sabar. 

Amin~

tarik nafas dalam dalam. Senyum. 


hai beruang

29/3/2013
one follower request from @iBeruang. 
with the caption 'seorang beruang bercita cita nak jadik penguin' 

Life is so funny. life is unexpected. Penguin and beruang. Satu kisah yang cukup best, superawesome dan tersangat awesome yang terjadi antara aku dengan si pyan. Sorang nama penguin sorang nama beruang. masing masing dah macam anjing dengan kucing. Tapi aku perlukan pyan macam abang aku.

cukup perlukan dia. aku tak kesah dengan semua hal nakal yang dia buat. tarik beg aku, main basketball sama sama, kutuk aku gemok, share makan sama sama, . 

Aku rindu dia. Sungguh. 

Sayang bila kawan dah tak jadik kawan.

Sayang jugak aku tak masuk utm dulu,, kalau tak dah konfirm aku sambung gaduh balik dengan kau. 

back to topic,, bila ada @iBeruang ni follow aku kat twitter, aku wondering, apa yang sebenarnya Allah nak cuba sampaikan ni? nak buka kembali memori lama? Satu kebetulan ke ape ni? 

I just don't want to find the answer, I just wanted to enjoy what I have right now. 

@iBeruang, walau siapa pun kau, kau buat aku buka balik lembaran memori aku dengan pyan. Memori penguin dan beruang yang dulu hampir satu kuliah tahu kau dengan aku akan selalu gaduh. berebut rebut entah pape, tapi tetap makan share share. 

yang aku akan panggil kau beruang tanpa pernah panggil nama. yang akan sentiasa pakai baju ada gambar beruang. Kau photographer dah sekarang di utm. Aku doakan kau berjaya. Sebab kau memang lelaki yang serba boleh. 

p/s : I miss you. 

fly me there....

dear wind please fly me there. 
I wish for a miracle. This time it is not for me.

Kalau dulu, macam satu miracle je bila dapat pergi tengok kau di dewan USM kubang kerian. Tengok kau di pentas, tengok kau dari jauh. Allah heard my prayer at that moment. Thank you for giving me that chance. Then I walked away. proud to know that you are very outstanding from others. 

this time, hati ini memberontak lagi, wanna go there, at the LIMA Langkawi though this time it means to see you from far again but it won't happen this time. 


29/3/2013.. 
you went there already. Today. Friday.
kejutkan kau bangun, walaupun tak tahu kau dah bangun ke tak kala itu, supaya kau tak kena tinggal sebab nak pergi LIMA.  
and I am still here, finishing the remaining holidays left for me.
I just wish to see you from far, not going to disturb you as I know both of us will be awkward to meet each other. 
I will be speechless and trembling right in front of you. 
I just wish to see you from far, though it is just 5 minutes. It is more than enough. I am happy enough seeing you doing well with your life. 

my heart whispers : 
are we going to meet again? can I have that one chance again? 

apapun, Tuhan tolong jaga dia ok? Terima kasih ;

h.i.k.a.y.a.t

dear hikayat, 
lama sudah tidak mengadu pada kau nampaknya. 
Well, i am doing fine.

how fine is fine. 

I am fine. 

*lap air mata* 

Aku kuat, kan? aku kuat untuk gembira melihat satu per satu rakan rakan grad daripada universiti.
aku kuat untuk gembira apabila mereka involve dengan program yang cukup gah. 
aku kuat untuk terima setiap comparison yang diberikan antara aku dengan dia. Dia terlalu sempurna, susah untuk aku berada di tahap dia dengan level aku di tahap maktab sahaja. mahu saja aku laungkan, mahu aku jadi seperti dia, tapi kau hantar aku ke sebuah penjara lagaknya. 


aku kuat untuk aku terus tabah di sini. 

ahh, ujian hidup aku cuma sebesar zarah, kalau aku gagal, nampak sangat aku lemah kan? 

aku lebih suka jadik ignorant.. 

enggan menyerah

though I have been living my life aimlessly, hard to say that it is not easy to start something from zero. It is not easy to start accepting something that you didn't like but at least, I did not run from it. People can say this and that, they are not in my shoes. 

I can do something extraordinary such as to fail myself and get myself out from this kind of life but there are two reasons , enough for me to stay and fighting until the end : 

because I am not ready to be a failure and to get myself expelled from the college is something that I cannot take it. 
because I am not ready to break my parents' hearts. I don't want to be cruel in front of them. They know my capability in English and if I fail myself, they will upset with me. I have been trying very hard to the best daughter in front of them for all this while, so just let it remain like that. I only have them, not anyone else. 

Then why did I choose to pretend living a normal life yet inside me was screaming so loud to be freed? Because life take me to this extend. No one will know how does it feels to be here unless you come to this college and live with all of us but we still enjoyed our life to the fullest. I can say that I am happy to be here, it is just like another part of me is so empty. Lost. Broken. 

I choose not to give up. This is just a small test for me, I reckon it is just a small test. I hope so. I choose not to give up, I choose to compete with them, putting myself in a quite comfortable zone in my class with a good pointer, (need to upgrade more up to 3.8 until I satisfied) and I choose to enjoy every moments that ever happened in my life, and that is going to happen in my life. I am going to get myself ready to face with courage all the obstacles and hardship that may come along the way because I believe that everything happen for a reason. 

HE knows better for me, and though reality is not like a fantasy, where happy ending always win but I believe for those who are patient enough and having faith in HIM, they will have the happy ending. Insyaallah. 

Hence, I choose to bury the misery, depression, making myself busy with my assignments, friends, and once ago JPP just for me to forget all the pain inside me for a while. I don't want to surrender to the misery and depression. Let it just happen when I am at home. I choose to enjoy and learn with all my heart. I learnt a lot so far when I am here, and I collected thousands of bittersweet memories so far. 

Yes, I choose not to give up. bersabarlah wahai hati, tiga tahun je lagi. Semoga aku akan bebas daripada semua ini. Jangan menyerah pada negative traits, jangan pernah sesekali. Tapi biarlah sesekali hati ini meluah rasanya,, biar. Tapi selepas itu, tampalkan hati dengan kekuatan iman, keyakinan pada NYA, dan taruhkan puingpuing positive traits dalam diri. If you need to bury all the pain, do it. Just enjoy your life, never let it restrict you from learning. 

Apa aku dapat kalau aku terus hidup dalam misery, pain, depression? Aku mati. Sekalipun jiwa aku mati, sekalipun another half of me has gone, sekalipun kau terpaksa seorang diri tanggung semua rasa itu, sekalipun kau rapuh dan koyak,, bersabarlah. Be strong, fight for a happy ending. Always have faith in HIM.

Rabbi Yassir Wala Tuassir. 

sekalipun nyawa seakan ingin diserahkan kembali pada NYA, namun aku bangun keesokan harinya dengan masih lagi bernafas, kenapa perlu aku sia siakan pemberian Yang Maha Agung ini? Kenapa perlu aku menyerah pada ujian yang sedikit cuma. Aku bukan seorang yang gagal, bukan? 

tidak mudah, namun cuba gagahkan kaki untuk melangkah. 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

kindness and love


kindness, a simple yet full of meaning.
syida once told me ' kebaikan itu, kalau dibuat dengan ikhlas, tak perlu susah payah untuk orang lain nampak, sebab ianya akan dirasai oleh orang lain '

kindness is as powerful as love. Spread the love, to each and everyone. Not only to human, to your surroundings, to the nature and to the animals . Love the children, as they are very pure, innocent, honest and they are magical. Never underestimate them to know nothing, they can feel the love and kindness and they know how to appreciate.
Mama once told me : buat baik tu sebab Allah, bukan sebab pape, one day bila kita susah masa tu lah kita perlukan orang lain. Mana boleh kita hidup sendiri sendiri.

Yeap, sekalipun kau rasa kau mampu hidup sorang sorang independent , pasti ada satu ketika kau perlukan bantuan orang lain. So, be kind to all people, though they are just strangers, though they just the animals.
As much as you spread kindness, spread the love. Tak perlu susah susah nak spread love pada kaum adam semata mata, anak yatim, kanak-kanak, orang tua , we all need love.

though I am afraid to show love, though I am afraid to love, though I didn't know how to love but I believe in love, and spreading love as much as I strongly believe that kindness will always win to touch a heart .
I have changed, right after I lost one of my best friend in a car accident, that is when I learn to appreciate whatever I have in life. That is when I started to show love, and kindness to the people surrounding me because everyone need to feel appreciated, everyone need to be loved as much as we need to be loved by others. I learn and still learning to show love as my appreciation from the ALLAH's gifts for giving wonderful people to accompany me in my life through my thick and thin.

just show your love and kindness as the sign of appreciation to others so that one day, you won't regret when some people have to be returned to the Creator, and when some people are just meant to be temporarily exist in your life.  'you will appreciate thing when it is no longer there' . Just don't let it happen.

I am still learning spreading the love and kindness to the right one, to those who know how to appreciate with a simple thank you not to those who will toy your love and kindness. Those morons just never know how to appreciate.
Love and kindness are the blessings from HIM to all of us. I have been living in regret, for not be able to show love to the person who means a lot to me.

 Bukan kah hidup ada pengakhiran, kenapa tidak kita sebarkan kebaikan dan cinta anugerah Ilahi pada yang memerlukan, pada yang sebetulnya?

the question is I just don't know how to show love, I didn't born to show the love, and I am afraid to love but I am trying very hard. Love is kindness. 

ticket to my freedom

can I request ticket to my freedom after I complete my degree? Can I?
Can I drive the car, can I live on my own, having my own space, doing things that I really wanted to do when I can't wait to have my ticket to my freedom. All I can do right now is to be patient and to just go with the flow.

the moment I graduate, I just wanted to :


  • travel here and there with the cheapest price. Sapa suh jadik cikgu kan, memang banyak lah cuti aku. 
  • go here and there, especially in Malaysia. Kalau boleh every weekend. Enjoying the sceneries, the food and the beach and sunset as well. 
  • go hiking. 
  • learn to swim, then going for snorkeling, jet sky,Maybe future hubby is willing to teach me swimming? ok, I can do it by myself. 
  • I want to have own space and time. 
  • I want to be alone doing this and that, unless there is someone who wanted to join me. I don't mind going alone.
  • I want to enter a university and to feel what I should feel once ago. 
  • drive puas puas. pergi sana sini sana sini.


dear Allah, reward me with all these blessings for my patients for all this while. Make me a good teacher, good daughter, good wife and good muslimah. YOU know better. I am waiting for the hikmah. Insyaallah.
I put all my trust in you.

Let me have my ticket to my freedom, ok? I just wish to find someone who can understand me and willing to do all the stupid things that I wished for with me.

I just want to have my life again. So I will wait for another 3 years. Dear Allah, listen to my prayers. Semoga penantian dan kesabaran ini berbaloi.

please, don't let the power of kronisme or kabel kabel ni buat aku kena posting kat kelantan nanti. Please. Aku konfirm dah sampai tahap 'that's it.' memang aku akan buat hal time tu.

so IRONY

it is so irony when you teach a daughter to dream, to be independent, to be brave in making her own decision and to be responsible on her own life, yet finally you banish her dreams and passion and you kill her soul slowly? 

it is so irony when you teach your daughter not to use any 'cabel' or any influence just to get the dream came true, yet you are the one who use your influence just to get what you wanted for the daughter? *please this time don't use your influence to get me posted to Kelantan, I will die instantly. 

it is irony when your love and your 'don't' almost all the time kills your daughter slowly, taking away her laughter and smiles yet you think her silent as a nod and yes to all your orders? too much love and too much restrictions can actually kill a person. 

it is irony when you proudly tell the world your daughter is going to be a teacher, you managed to didik your children according to your way successfully, yet you didn't know what is actually going on in their life? Too irony when you can see the surface not the deep one. Do you think your daughter is happy when you shut her dream to enter a prestigious university after her all hard efforts? 

it is irony when you teach them to be real independent until they grow up to be such an ignorant person and ego? Then you put the blame completely on them? They grew up on their own remember? Sending them all to boarding schools, you think they didn't need you anymore to cry and to tell everything to you like a friend? 

it is irony when actually one of your daughter is actually drifting away, giving up in her life, not going where to go except to surrender with the flow instead being a fighter for her own fate, and you just seem to see her doing fine with her silence and fake smile? 

it is irony when your children actually have to rely on the outsiders instead of own flesh and blood just to tell everything that really suck them? When they need others opinion and choose others to tell about their problem? We are bounded by the blood ties right, but why did we act as strangers? Coz we pretend to be ok when we reach home. We did fine, yes we did. We give you good grades , always. 

it is irony when you thought you knew them very well, seeing them growing up but actually you missed a lot of things about them? 

too much irony. The daughter have been living in a life imperfection in perfection. Everything seems to be fine and glory, but the actual truth is, the imperfections lies behind the fake perfection. 

but the worst irony is when the daughter have to live her life, believing in nobody, there is nobody to trust and to tell everything when nobody seems to understand though she has been surrounded by circles of friends. She has to pretend her life to be fine, normal and perfect until she has to wear mask, putting the fake smiles and laughters but inside her, she is broken. There is no one to lift her up unless she help herself, but she refuses as half of her has gone, not be able to help herself and sick of the sympathy and useless advices she chooses to pretend to live a perfectly normal life. 

it is irony when a happy go lucky person is dying her soul, her passions, with her shattered dreams but yet she refuses to let the whole world see the broken inside her, then when she just pretend to be her, when actually apart of her has gone..

I am not blaming, I am just sick to hold everything inside. This is what will happen everything she returned home. The same issue being brought up, making her sick, growing the seed of hatred and she just wish to scream to stop all these madness but she couldn't due to respect and love. 

others will put the blame on her , judging her to be very ungrateful and 'derhaka' maybe, but she really wish those damn badmouthing people will be in her shoes to feel what is like to be like her,, pretending almost all the time, sick of studying things that she hates, but have to keep the good grades when she has the obligation to fulfil as a daughter and when she has no other choice? 

it is not that she didn't try to open her heart to be redha, but how can you be redha when the same issue has been brought up and when her opinions have been shut away telling that 'no, you are wrong' ...

I am not blaming, I am rebelling but I didn't really show because of respect and love, so still judge me as ungrateful? too much love that can kill, I know every damn thing why she did that, for my own good. That is why she said, it is irony, too much irony. 

one confession, I am living with depression but I refuse to take the pills when I am too strong to surrender to the pills. 






sweetest mistake

pernah tak kita dalam dilema? 
mula kita tanya pada membe membe baik konon dengan sedikit harapan ada yang akan menyokong keinginan hati, agar dapat keluar dari dilema itu? 
well, sayang apabila yang kita dapat hanya lah tentangan. 

'jangan kau buat tu, nanti kau menyesal' .. Betul, kawan inginkan yang terbaik buat kita. Sama seperti ibu bapa kita, kawan yang baik tidak ingin kita rosak, musnah, ranap, rapuh dan hancur. 

Tapi, bukankah untuk sesekali, biarlah kita sendiri yang membuat keputusan dan berhadapan dengan dilema itu? Guna rasional akal, selagi ianya tidak membahayakan, why don't you just proceed with your decision? 

sometimes, you just have to follow your heart, do whatever you wanted to do. Your life, bear with your own risk, your own decision. 

if they say : hey, you are going to regret your decision. 
then tell them : I will regret one day because I didn't choose this decision. 

though at the end, you find that it is just a mistakes, nothing more than that, just a mistake, a total loss, then make it as the sweetest mistake in your life. At least, no one force you to make that decision. You cannot put the blame on others. 

yes, you should consider their opinions, but at the end, you decide your future, you are the decision maker. 
you life, your responsibility. Sometimes, it is just not a mistake, it is just a lesson for you to learn and a memory to keep in your heart. 

p/s : sis, hope that you will be reading this to know that, just go.. Fight. Live your life, enjoy the moment, though you did not know what the outcomes will be. ;)  Make it as the sweetest mistake to capture beneath your memory .. 

Thursday, March 21, 2013

F.R.I.E.N.D.Z.O.N.E

payah bila berkawan dan being nice and friendly ni disalah erti as melayan banyak lelaki. 
 bagi aku, beza term berkawan, and flirting

well, malas nak layan mulut-mulut macam ni. Senang-senang friendzone je ok. Sekarang ni, bila friendly pun dianggap salah, susah sangat tak perlu tambah kenalan lagi. Aku pun tak rasa nak berkawan sangat dah pun. Especially dengan lelaki lah kan. karang kena melayan lagi. Tak bertegur sapa dianggap sombong. 

see, you can never satisfy anyone. Just don't please people. Live your life. Aku lagi suka bila tak banyak kawan ni. tapi since mereka yang mulakan dulu interaction and conversation tu, tak kan la tak reply balik. Karang sombong pulak katanya. Tapi ni dikata melayan. 

ok fine, please yourself. I don't give a damn. I play ignorance. 
berkawan susah, tak berkawan pun susah.. 

PBS di kelantan (21/3/2013)

finally done with my pbs. Muehehe. lega tak terkata. Sekalipun aku tak berapa suka dengan admin yang bercakap sejam sampai aku tak dapat nak makan free. Sekalipun aku tak suka dengan admin yang mintak aku komen negatif pasal sekolah tu pastu kind of bash kita orang balik. Never mind, I took that as advices and lesson for future. 

jujur cakap, pbs kali ni penat teramat sebab kena buli ganti kelas bebanyak. Kalau boleh buat aduan dah lama aku buat tapi bila fikir status diri sebagai guru pelatih yang ingin menimba ilmu, layankan je. Banyak pengalaman dapat kan. Ajar budak dari darjah satu sampai darjah 5. Boleh aku katakan teori yang aku belajar dalam kelas tak sama dengan yang aku apply and dapat bila mengajar untuk ganti kelas. 

aku tegas dalam kelas, tapi still tak dapat control budak darjah 1. Muehehe. No wonder cikgu2 senior yang akan selalunya mengajar budak darjah 1 ni. Aku harap sekalipun ilmu yang disampaikan tu sedikit cuma, semoga bermanfaat buat mereka. Berkatilah hidup dan ilmu mereka. Semoga ilmu yang aku sampaikan tidak terpesong. Hopefully insyaallah.

macam-macam panorama kehidupan yang aku lihat masa kat sekolah, (anak2 orang susah , ada yang atuk bertongkat datang hantar sekolah, ada yang diam tak bercakap sepatah pun even dgn classmate, mcm2 lagi la.).. Tersentuh hati aku tengok.. Aku belajar untuk lebih menghargai dan lebih bersyukur. Sekalipun pengalaman pbs kali ni buat aku rasa tak nak jadik cikgu (sebab penat, tak suka dengan bnyk kerja, kerenah pelajar yg nakal) tapi 40% aku enjoy bersama mereka. Kanak2 jujur. Kanak2 tu menghormati kita dan kasih sayang mereka cukup pure. No doubt about that. So I pray, semoga Allah tetapkan hati aku untuk mengajar mereka. Until the right time come for me to leave this profession. This is not my passion, though I love the children, some I didn't (muehehe) and I enjoy teaching them, but I need to go someday. 

pbs seminggu ni aku sempat bawak rumate aku yang turut sama berpbs dengan aku pergi jejalan di kelantan. Tak banyak tempat pun pergi,, just pasar siti khadijah, kbmall dan ronda2 kb. Since I can't drive so tak dapat nak jalan lebih ;( sorry rumate. 

Esok aku nak pergi merayap di kuala terengganu. hope to see kawan matrik aku macam kema, faisal and jah.. Semoga aku dapat jugak mandi pantai, walaupun plan nak gi redang terpaksa ditunda. Sekalipun kena tengok ombak kuat tak kat pantai tu.. 

Semoga aku dapat menangis di pantai. 

Malas nak haplod gambar. :) 

this is so rubbish

tahu tak benda paling bodoh adalah perempuan gaduh sama perempuan sebab lelaki. Macam betina berebut jantan lagaknya. Logik akal dah ditolak tepi demi emosi amarah

tahu tak lagi benda paling bodoh adalah lelaki yang suka menipu perempuan dan perempuan pisau cukur. Lelaki memang natural beauty lahir dengan kebolehan 'sweet talking' dan perempuan memang pandai guna kecantikan dan kemanjaan dan juga sexual attraction untuk dapat banyak lelaki dan buat cerita sedih2 pastu dapat duit, ipong and so on. 

these two things are done by the dumbass. *sorry if it is sound harsh but bear with the truth* 
 and I really irk and annoy with these two things. *not suitable to describe as things, matters maybe* 

bila aku buka akaun fb lama, dapat la satu PM dari seorang jejaka hot lagi playboy yang terkenal dgn mulut manis lagi menipu, menyalahkan aku sebab jujur dengan ex dia yang kami keluar berdua. He put the blame on me. yeah, aku yang ajak kau keluar, tapi aku jugak cakap suruh kau bagitahu awek kau supaya dia tahu yang kita keluar bersama dan aku lagi suka kalau dia join sekaki. Well I took the blame and I did not say anything. Btw, thank you for that. 

Kalau dah kantoi, bukan sebab aku sorang je tapi nak salahkan aku. Maha dasyat betul. Dasar mangkuk hayun jugak la. The best way is to play ignorance. So, you blame me on what happened to your ruined relationship? ok I took the blame so what's next? Let me decide this time : let us be strangers. 

Bukan senang aku nak avoid friendship ni, tapi kalau macam ni lah perangai nya, baik tak usah jadik kawan pun tak ape. Sometime, when problem occurs and you don't feel like solving it, just end the relationship that cause the problem. Sebab tak de point pun nak back up diri sendiri or nak explain pape. 

bagi aku, jujur tu penting dalam relationship especially kalau long distance relationship. I don't mind if my boyfren nak keluar dengan kawan perempuan, at least do tell me. Easy kan? Gampang giteww.. 

to the ex girlfriend, sekalipun awak bkan adek dorm saya, saya still akan jujur. Sebab penipuan ni lama-lama akan terbongkar jugak. Lagi la awak akan benci saya sebab menipu kan dan saya memang tak suka menipu. Pegang pada prinsip, kau buat orang, orang buat kau. Kau menipu, one day kau akan ditipu. Life is fair. 

lagi satu, jaga hati untuk tidak kembali pada that someone sekalipun dia ayat bagai2 kata manis. Have some pride as a woman, you are definitely not a toy. Believe in what HE said : lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik. Just let go that painful memories, do forgive and live your life. Keep praying that he will change. 

next time, keep the secret. it will destroy trust between you and me. 

aku tak nak jadik betina  yang bergaduh tarik2 rambut or maki hamun satu sama lain sebab lelaki. Selalu nya aku akan condemn perempuan yang jadik bodoh jadik hamba abdi lelaki yang belum tentu jadik suami. Hidup biar berprinsip sekalipun kena ada give and take. Hey woman, they should respect you.. You patut ada pendirian hidup.. 

Haih, macam macam lah. Sebab lovey dovey punyer pasal aku masuk sekali. Padan muka aku. Muehehe. I learnt my lesson. 

I just feel...


I just feel like walking alone at the beach, sit on a bench watching sunset, or by just walking alone by the seashore. 
I just want to let my mind wonders around aimlessly, recalling back the memories which are some are painful and some are wonderful.
I just want to be lonely by the seashore, collecting seashells and to feel the sand under my foot and to slowly feel the rhythm of the waves, and to watch the unlimited sky . 
I just want to feel like going to dance in the water and laugh like an insane. 

I just feel like screaming and yelling, letting go everything that I kept inside for all this while. It hurts me so badly, like a cancer it is , you can't see it but can feel it spreading through your body, slowly damage you inside out. 

I just wish that I can cry with all my heart, not only weeping or sobbing but crying. I wish the tears can really banish all the pains, angers and all those negative thoughts that keep haunting me from day to day. 

I hate this feeling, slowly kills me from inside. 



Tuesday, March 19, 2013

third PBS

kali ni sebab mama aku bising dah aku buat pbs kat kedah hari tu, so kena la buat pbs kat kelantan. Kali ni dengan rumate tersayang.

PBS kali ni, agak sucks sebab sekolah tu buli aku suruh ganti kelas banyak2. Sepatutnya aku tidak dibenarkan untuk mengajar. Setakat ganti kelas satu dua ok lagi, boleh la cakap as pengalaman tapi ni sampai empat lime kelas dalam satu hari, memang aku masak la.Cikgu sekolah pun tak de la macam ni. Serious aku agak bengang tapi memikirkan status aku sebagai mahasiswa guru yang datang ke sekolah seminggu untuk buat assignment and untuk timba pengalaman, so aku diamkan. Tak kan baru datang nak bising-bising dah kan.

walaupun aku memang dapat banyak pengalaman kali ni, banyak yang aku boleh komen pasal sekolah ni (mujur aku bukan orang atasan , bukan orang kementerian ke,kalau tak nahas la sekolah tu).. Dari segi disiplin, kantin, pencapaian, dan level english budak2. Fuhh, teruk.

Mati kutu nak mengajar english bila mereka tak paham pun fully English sekalipun tu kelas advance. Kena microteaching dalam kelas tak boleh pakai bahasa melayu. Tapi masa observe cikgu mengajar, dia senang2 je pakai buku teks je, pakai bahasa melayu untuk ajar ENglish. Memang aku masak untuk amend her lesson plan and to comment on her teaching. Masak la markah assignment aku. Tu tak masuk kes rumate aku yang betul-betul kena mengajar dalam kelas. Simple words such as follow and raise your hand pun tak tahu. I cannot put the blame on anyone. Parents, administrations and teachers are the reasons for all blames. Remember, there is no bad students, there is only bad teachers.

sekalipun penat, siapa cakap jadik cikgu ni relaks je? sekalipun habis kelas pukul 1, tapi kelas petang lagi, meeting lagi, tanda buku lagi, lesson plan lagi, sukan lagi and so on la. Jadik cikgu ni sangat penat, now I know why it is such a humble job to do.  Aku belajar banyak benda. Termasuklah unsur politik dalam pendidikan especially di sekolah.

begitu jilaka bila pendidikan dipolitikkan sesuka hati mak nenek dia jer, yang jadik mangsa sekolah dan murid2, termasuk parents,, lagi kesian parents yang susah.. Ohh orang berkuasa, anda memang syaitan memperjudikan masa depan pelajar demi kepentingan peribadi. that is why I believe to this qoute from someone ' most politicians are heading to hell.' kui kui kui.

lagi penting, bila aku dapat pengalaman handle kelas pandai and kelas tercorot. Memang aku paham bagaimana perasaan cikgu yang kena ajar kelas last, cukup mencabar especially dari segi perlakuan. Memang aku katakan, ada beza dari segi perlakuan antara budak pandai dan budak kurang pandai kerana aku sendiri hilang sabar bila ajar mereka. Tapi aku percaya, mereka masih boleh dibentuk. Masih boleh diubah. Mungkin bukan ibu bapa yang ubah mereka, tetapi guru-guru yang sabar dan percaya akan mereka.

refleksi diri : aku mampu jadik cikgu yang sabar tu? Aku dapat ganti kelas banyak2 ni buat aku rasa tak nak jadik cikgu.Ini serious. dan aku tak rasa aku mampu jadik cikgu yang baik. Ini pun serious. Dan aku garang dan tegas di dalam kelas. Dan aku tak suka dan tak pandai sangat nak bergaul dgn budak sekolah.

There are so many things to reflect. Am I capable enough to be a teacher? Am I doing the wrong decision from the first start, the moment I agreed to be a teacher instead an engineer? Allah, show me the way. if this is the way, give me strength to give light and knowledge to the pupils.

little prayers.

aku petik kata-kata daripada instagram kak fynn jamal, bonda kepada Juna yang cukup comel. kata-kata yang pernah menjadi doa nya lima tahun yang lalu,, 

' Tuhan bangkitkan aku dengan ruh yang baru, tutupkan hati aku dari laki2 kerana aku sudah letih. Bukakan ia cuma untuk lelaki yang mahu menjadikan aku isterinya '

cukup aku terkesan dengan doanya suatu masa dahulu itu. mungkin selama ini doaku cuma ini 
' pertemukanlah kami dalam pertemuan yang Engkau redhai, dan bila mana aku telah berubah ke arah yang lebih baik' 

Mungkin juga aku pun berada di masa yang mana kak fynn itu berada suatu masa dahulu. Aku penat, lelah, jerih, muak dengan semua permainan perasaan ini. Aku penat untuk kuat, dan aku penat untuk menjawab soalan ' kenapa masih solo' , 'kenapa tak nak kenal dia?' ' kenapa jual mahal sangat' dan aku penat untuk sambut salam perkenalan orang yang menaruh harapan tinggi pada aku, dan aku penat untuk sakit. Ye, cukup penat untuk sakit lagi. Cukup penat untuk remain as solo kerana aku ingin mencari identiti diri, mencari cebisan diri aku yang hilang, mencari identiti aku selaku khalifah di muka bumi yang sementara, dan mencari manusia yang lebih baik dari semalam inside and out daripada mencari cinta. 

'are in love with the idea of love or do you love the Creator of love? ' petikan  Novel aku seorang pendosa. 

'andai ini jihad hati, maka kuatkanlah hati ini, kerana aku lemah dengan kata-kata kaum adam, dan aku buta dalam menilai keikhlasan dan permainan lelaki' (syaz,2013) 

aku belajar daripada apa yang berlaku, especially yang baru berlaku dalam hidup..
seperti mana aku impikan seorang suami yang baik, seperti suami kak fynn ( you are so lucky akak, why? because you have your man and juna and because you have a pure heart inside out), aku pegang pada janji NYA,, wanita yang baik itu untuk lelaki yang baik. I also have the same dream,, a dream of every woman but I am just a girl with flaws, and I am not pretty and perfect like others. 

but I want a man who can really support my long lost dreams, accepting me the way I am, change me towards better, be my imam, be my tok guru mengaji, to make me apart of his life, and to tell me that 'awak isteri solehah' 

let's stop this. Aku perlu kembali right on track untuk mencari kembali haluan dan hala tuju aku. Ada hikmah kenapa aku dihantar ke maktab yang semua melayu,, sebab semua terjaga, especially your heart, your gaze and your aurat. 

my little prayers : 

' Tuhan bangkitkan aku dengan ruh yang baru, tutupkan hati aku dari laki2 kerana aku sudah letih. Bukakan ia cuma untuk lelaki yang mahu menjadikan aku isterinya '

Tuhan, berikan aku pelengkap yang mampu membimbing aku ke jalan MU, yang mampu untuk menunaikan impian lama aku dan yang mampu menerima aku dengan apa adanya. 

Tuhan , close my heart for now towards any men, I am not a playgirl oh Lord,, and open my heart to the one and only who will complete me and meet us when we both are ready, not because of lust. Meet us under YOUR blessing. 

now, help me to find my way towards YOU, the creator of love. 

Ameen. 

p/s : I believe in HIS promises. for those who found the right person, be in relationship in a halal way without doing anything that can attract you towards zina. . I may sound very traditional, call me kolot, but I believe in what I believe because I have been in that situation before, I made that stupid mistakes and that is what I believe, because love and lust are two different things. 

d.a.m.h.a

I guess this is the ending to our friendship. Just let me take the blame,, starting from the moment I saw you in front of me when you came to my college. 

I know, this meeting shouldn't happen but it did happen. I know I shouldn't get to know better and closer when I know this is all wrong at the first place. Tapi aku degil. Degil dan terlalu kalut untuk menggantikan seseorang dalam hidup aku. Someone who always own the first place in my heart after my family and close friends. 

I will never forget the first moment I laid my eyes on you, as if it is to recall someone who I am trying my very best to vanish from my life and my heart. Seeing you, as if I was seeing him and it the moment where I started clinging to you. Put the blame on me,, it is my fault. Sorry to cause chaos in your life. Sorry to disturb you. Sorry to be a burden in your life. Sorry that I started this friendship because you reminded me of the first love, a painful one. 

Put the blame on me, when I am the reasons for you to be annoyed , when I am the reasons you became a joke matters in front of your friends. I know most of your friends kept teasing me, and hopefully they are not badmouthing about me but if they did I forgive all of you as I have done nothing wrong to all of you. 

When I know that you never need me in your life, even though it is really painful,, but I have to accept the truths instead holding on lies. I came to the extend that I finally realised you are important in my life and you are definitely not him, accepting you the way you are but it is also when I realised that I need to pay my debt. 
My debt is when I should return your life to the moment where we haven't met. 

I have been trying my best to be apart from you, restrict myself from texting or calling for a month but for two weeks time, it changed everything because of a text message. It is totally heart breaking to know your friend send the text message using your number. I just have a slight hope that during my silence for a month, I just wish that you would text me, at least once. I was wrong, and far painful when it is not you the sender. 

At least, I have my answer. The answer is that, though I walk away from your life, you will never care to find me. It is such a blessing for you to have me leaving your life right but I was damn furious with that incident and I am totally disappointed with all your lies. You lied,, yes you.. 

1. you lied when you said you can't hear me. 
2. you lied when you refuse to answer my call when you can text someone else at the same time when she miscall you.
3. you lied when you didn't reply to my text when you can keep replying to her texts at the same time.
(how did I know? It is not the main issue here ) 

I just really wish to cry again that night, I was badly hurt, but then I told myself. Let it be the ending. It is the best way. Let the tears worth, I am not going to shed any tears because of you again,, I did that twice and not anymore. MY heart was hurt, but I am strong not to cry. 

I think I need time to heal myself from this hurt. Thank you for the memories, thanks for this pains, and sorry for everything. One confession, I started to like you but another confession to make, you hurt me even deeper compared to the first love. At least, I just encountered unrequited love but with you, I encountered a painful friendship full of lies. 

We are just strangers with some memories right now. Finally I bid you good byes, and I pay my debt. 

I pray very hard, please heal my heart. Make it even stronger than before. 

I regret everything, (regret meeting you, regret to start to love you, regret that it ended this way.. ) 

I am sorry . I took your friends advices, that I need to stop this madness,to stop clinging when I already know the truth obviously that you never appreciate me in your life. 

p/s : This is the first when I started to have a grip on someone, when I am too tired to pretend to be strong all the time but I got the wrong person to cling with. I think, I cannot be this weak, I cannot put any hope or to cling on someone when I know that actually that someone will never be there for me. I will be falling in the end. 

I learnt my lesson. I learnt that some men are good with lying. Some of them are good in putting the blames on woman. 

again, I am sorry for everything and thank you for everything.