Friday, March 29, 2013

enggan menyerah

though I have been living my life aimlessly, hard to say that it is not easy to start something from zero. It is not easy to start accepting something that you didn't like but at least, I did not run from it. People can say this and that, they are not in my shoes. 

I can do something extraordinary such as to fail myself and get myself out from this kind of life but there are two reasons , enough for me to stay and fighting until the end : 

because I am not ready to be a failure and to get myself expelled from the college is something that I cannot take it. 
because I am not ready to break my parents' hearts. I don't want to be cruel in front of them. They know my capability in English and if I fail myself, they will upset with me. I have been trying very hard to the best daughter in front of them for all this while, so just let it remain like that. I only have them, not anyone else. 

Then why did I choose to pretend living a normal life yet inside me was screaming so loud to be freed? Because life take me to this extend. No one will know how does it feels to be here unless you come to this college and live with all of us but we still enjoyed our life to the fullest. I can say that I am happy to be here, it is just like another part of me is so empty. Lost. Broken. 

I choose not to give up. This is just a small test for me, I reckon it is just a small test. I hope so. I choose not to give up, I choose to compete with them, putting myself in a quite comfortable zone in my class with a good pointer, (need to upgrade more up to 3.8 until I satisfied) and I choose to enjoy every moments that ever happened in my life, and that is going to happen in my life. I am going to get myself ready to face with courage all the obstacles and hardship that may come along the way because I believe that everything happen for a reason. 

HE knows better for me, and though reality is not like a fantasy, where happy ending always win but I believe for those who are patient enough and having faith in HIM, they will have the happy ending. Insyaallah. 

Hence, I choose to bury the misery, depression, making myself busy with my assignments, friends, and once ago JPP just for me to forget all the pain inside me for a while. I don't want to surrender to the misery and depression. Let it just happen when I am at home. I choose to enjoy and learn with all my heart. I learnt a lot so far when I am here, and I collected thousands of bittersweet memories so far. 

Yes, I choose not to give up. bersabarlah wahai hati, tiga tahun je lagi. Semoga aku akan bebas daripada semua ini. Jangan menyerah pada negative traits, jangan pernah sesekali. Tapi biarlah sesekali hati ini meluah rasanya,, biar. Tapi selepas itu, tampalkan hati dengan kekuatan iman, keyakinan pada NYA, dan taruhkan puingpuing positive traits dalam diri. If you need to bury all the pain, do it. Just enjoy your life, never let it restrict you from learning. 

Apa aku dapat kalau aku terus hidup dalam misery, pain, depression? Aku mati. Sekalipun jiwa aku mati, sekalipun another half of me has gone, sekalipun kau terpaksa seorang diri tanggung semua rasa itu, sekalipun kau rapuh dan koyak,, bersabarlah. Be strong, fight for a happy ending. Always have faith in HIM.

Rabbi Yassir Wala Tuassir. 

sekalipun nyawa seakan ingin diserahkan kembali pada NYA, namun aku bangun keesokan harinya dengan masih lagi bernafas, kenapa perlu aku sia siakan pemberian Yang Maha Agung ini? Kenapa perlu aku menyerah pada ujian yang sedikit cuma. Aku bukan seorang yang gagal, bukan? 

tidak mudah, namun cuba gagahkan kaki untuk melangkah. 

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