Wednesday, February 12, 2014

tiada tajuk.

tiada rasa untuk sayang seseorang lagi macam aku sayang Mr. R

tiada keinginan untuk belajar menerima seseorang dalam hidup.

selesa begini.

selesa untuk independent begini.

don't have a man in my life, is not the worst thing ever happen in my life. I am strong to face that.
Yes I do. bukan main main.

aku mampu. aku tak ada rasa untuk permainkan rasa. tak ada rasa untuk perjudikan cinta.

buat seseorang,
jujur aku selesa berkawan dengan kau.
jujur aku rasa aku dah mula suka kau.
tapi di saat kau pilih dia,,
di saat itu hapuskan rasa yang semakin bercambah.
hapuskan.
tanamkan rasa itu.

tidak akan sesekali lagi aku suka kau lagi.
tidak.
sekalipun kau datang kepada aku suatu hari nanti.
tidak.
I am not an option.
take note on that.

I love my independent more than anything.
I can love you, I like you but that's it.
enough said.

so, let's remain as friend.

feelingless.

tiada rasa.
sudah hampir masa untuk lepaskan semua rasa.

pegang benda yang tak akan pernah jadik milik kita.
perit.
berharap pada benda yang tak akan pernah jadik kenyataan.
double perit.

hidup.
kadang kadang perlu lepaskan benda yang memang bukan milik kita.
dan perlu hargai apa yang ada di depan mata.

sebelum menyesal.

2014, aku ingin melepaskan semua rasa. Semua kisah silam.
walaupun itu bermakna aku bakal berjuang dengan diri sendiri untuk melepaskan semua itu.
walaupun itu menjanjikan banyak air mata yang bakal tumpah.

never mind.
it's ok.
I'm strong.
Biar aku berbicara pada DIA.
DIA.
belajar serah kebergantungan pada DIA.

semoga pengakhiran aku bahagia.
Insyaallah.

hampir muak

semua sibuk cakap
' ala, semua orang nak kawen dah, aku nak kawen tapi tak tahu bila. aku nak kawen tapi tak dak calon, ala jelesnya orang nak kawen dah aku bila lagi'

aku happy bila kawan kawan yang dah nak kawen ni cakap pasal preparation dyeorang nak kawen. Happy bila temankan mereka pergi pameran kawen, cari kain untuk dyeorang. Happy dengan cerita dyeorang.


tapi, hampir muak dengar cerita mereka yang tak konfirm lagi nak kawen ni. Yang umpama asyik merungut bila la aku nak kawen,, yang asyik duk cakap jelesnya orang kawen.

psiko pada aku jugak yang memang tak terfikir nak kawen dalam usia terdekat (waktu belajar). psiko pada orang lain. dan hampir muak mendengar rungutan itu.

umpama macam tidak bersyukur. umpama macam tidak sabar dengan ketentuan Allah.

ada sebab dia jodoh tu DIA rahsiakan.

keep praying, HE will grand your wish. cuma cepat atau lambat.

so, sementara waktu ni, ambik masa mendalami ilmu agama, ilmu dunia dan juga ilmu rumahtangga. ilmu dunia untuk homeschooling anak-anak nanti. ilmu agama untuk bekalan dunia akhirat dan juga nak didik family, dan ilmu rumahtangga supaya marriage tu kekal lama dan diredhai NYA selalu.

boleh?

jangan merungut, umpama kita persoalkan takdir DIA. aku dah banyak merungut pasal life aku yang camni, so aku tak nak merungut lagi pasal jodoh. I know, the right time will come and HE will grand my prayers.

cuma, enough with those talking and start praying for the best. Share the happiness for those who will end their bachelor's life.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

you failed me

you irked me lah.

beriya nak kenal. 

bila aku tak mahu layan, 

cari yang lain. 

cakap nak tunggu. 

banyak lah kau punyer tunggu

you don't deserve me, cepat sangat mengalah dengan jual mahal aku.

maaf, hanya yang betul gentleman je mampu win over my heart. 

you are not the one. 

maaf, aku tak mampu nak jadik macam orang lain yang mampu manja manja masa mula perkenalan. 

maaf. aku stiff dan aku hati batu

atau aku yang salah sebab terlalu jual mahal sampai kau rasa aku sombong tahap hidung Pinocchio bila tak langsung balas sms kau? 

bila langsung aku tidak mampu balas or bagi reaksi positif bila kau susah payah buat video untuk birthday aku.

thank you very much. tapi aku masih tutup hati aku dan kau kalah, kau tak mampu nak buka hati aku yang mana aku doa supaya ditutup kepada bukan yang the right one for me.

kau kalah dalam test ni.  sebab kau mengalah terlalu awal. sebab kau bukan yang hati aku pilih untuk buka pintu hatinya. 

maaf dan terima kasih untuk semuanya. You deserve better, bukan gadis hati batu dan keras macam ni. maaf, cuma ingin menjadi mahal kerana itu sepatutnya fitrah.

education will come above all. not now. tapi kau awal awal lagi mengalah. 

maaf untuk seribu kali. kau bukan orangnya untuk aku harapkan membantu aku menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik.

I am preparing myself.

bila tengok kisah hidup orang lain, bila baca berita kat media aku jadik takut sendiri. I wonder what kind of wife that I will be, what kind of daughter I will be to my parents, what type of mother I will be to my children and what type of teacher I will be to my students?

semuanya menakutkan aku.Cabaran tu terlalu besar, terlalu berat. No matter what it is, I will face them all. I will make it and Insyaallah I will survive in those challenges. Semoga aku mampu memberi kebaikan, that's all I need which is HIS blessing.

I am preparing myself to a devoted wife to my husband so I think being a teacher is the best thing ever happen in my life. Tuhan tahu diri aku lebih dari diri aku sendiri. As much as I wanted to spend my quality time with my family and educate my children on my own, thus being a teacher is the best option that I made in my life. Though I didn't have that heart and passion of being a teacher, I am trying my best to work it out. I will be a faithful and loyal wife so I will never easily give my love to any man who is trying to win over my heart. My love is too expensive, though I am not pretty like other girl (nearly ugly I must say) but I can promise that my love for you is too expensive. I am preparing myself with those important knowledge, so for this time moment, let us preparing ourselves towards that marriage. We enjoy our life and when HE permits us to meet, semoga pertemuan kita dalam redha NYA and we work on our marriage.

I am preparing myself to be an obedient daughter as much as I am trying to listen to their stories and help my parents as much as I can. I will have nothing to regret as I did everything to make them happy including to let go my ambition and passion just to be a teacher for them. Please, let me take care both of you when I graduate and have my own career. I will take care of you. Hopefully, aku diberi peluang untuk menjaga mereka seperti mana mereka jaga aku masa kecik kecik dulu. Please be proud of me.

I am preparing myself to be a commited teacher. Sekalipun aku tak berapa nak suka jadik cikgu, tapi satu janji aku pada diri aku, aku akan ajar budak budak kat sekolah tu elok elok. Aku akan jadik cikgu yang tegas (standard la english teacher). Aku tak nak rosakkan masa depan mereka, "there is no bad students, only bad teachers" . Agree much with this statement. Kadang-kadang cikgu lah yang bunuh masa depan budak budak. Aku pernah dengar cikgu cakap 'dia tu tak pandai, memang tak boleh buat ape dah" mohon lempang cikgu macam ni. So, I will try my best untuk jadik cikgu yang baik dengan harapan, cikgu lain akan ajar anak-anak aku dengan baik.

I am preparing myself to be a wonderful mother. I wanted to be a teacher, and friend and a mom to my future children. I am ready for home education so I am preparing myself with those knowledge. I am preparing myself so that I can teach my children how to recite quran on my own, and to speak english and malay fluently at home with them and will add up mandarin and arabic in future once they grow up. So, I am preparing myself too for this future. Jangan harapkan cikgu or ustazah kat sekolah, it will never be enough. I really hope that their dad will be someone who will concern about religion and education as he will prepare them towards that religion and education.

above all, starting from now I am preparing myself to be a good muslimah. tak banyak aku mampu ubah buat masa sekarang, cuma sedikit sedikit. Kadang kadang aku gagal jugak, tapi doanya semoga aku istiqamah.

why you plan your future? 'those who fail to plan, plan to fail'
why you plan your future? because you know why are you in this dunya, why you need to work and not to concern about your salary, why you need to get married and having zuriat and what is your function in this world : as a caliph (khalifah) . When you put HIM above all, then you will know why you need to plan your future.

But, remember, men propose HE dispose. May HE ease my way and your way too. ;)

aku takut, macam mana nak didik anak aku nanti,jadik anak yang baik ke macam mana nanti,  macam mana nak didik anak murid nanti, jadik manusia tak mereka,, macam mana nak uruskan rumahtangga? these are my obligations that I need to fulfill but honestly I am not ready. ILMU masih cetek.masih di paras 20%.

semua orang punya impian dan perancangan masing masing kan. I wish all of you the best of luck and wish me luck too.

HE hears my prayers

Tuhan sebenarnya dah makbulkan doa aku beberapa tahun dulu, di mana aku telah tersasar dari landasan aku sebagai hambaNYA.

I never proud to say that I am proud doing those nasty things but I am grateful for those mistakes that I made, at least I learnt something valuable in my life. Those mistakes made me who I am today.

HE hears my prayers and HE grant my prayers but it takes years for me to understand all that, that HE wanted me to start something new, to be a better person.

So I know which one is love and which one is lust.

and falling in love with someone, has become something magical that ever happened in my life. Though it is painful but I am happy to feel that love. Loving you, I learnt so many things in life. I am more matured right now.

dear Mr. R, I am done chasing but I will never stop learning. Let the time slowly banish this love, until then, I will keep praying for your happiness. That matters the most for me. Loving you, is the most wonderful moment ever happened in my life but I need to walk away as I cannot change my heart, I am sorry. I am just trying to return your life to the point where I didn't come into your life as I know I burdened you too much and I hurt you too much.

HE is the turner of the heart, so ask from HIM.

I am a sinner and I hope HE will forgive me. Forgive me for taking so long to realise about all this, that YOU give me a new change for me to be someone better by sending me to this college and by giving wonderful people in my life.

and I hope, HE will accept my current and on going prayers. Amin.

and now, I am preparing myself. For everything. I just want to be a good person. Semua orang inginkan kebaikan bukan? seperti mereka yang lain, aku juga ingin menjadi baik dan menyebarkan kebaikan seperti mana aku inginkan kebaikan.

why am I still single?

whenever I have this talk with my girl friends, some of them will claim that they are not lucky for being single. macam jeles bila orang lain dah jumpa partner masing masing (biasa la, culture bakal guru, kahwin awal) .

let me speak my opinion about this issue. Being a single is not the worst thing ever happen in your life. Take it in a positive way. Being in a relationship with somebody is also not the worst thing ever happen in your life too.

jadik single ni ada benefit dia jugak. depends macam mana manusia tu ambik dari sudut positif ke negatif. Being single is wonderful as HE is preparing you for someone special. Dia dah tolong kita untuk jaga kita dari buat benda yang bukan bukan. Macam aku, manusia yang pernah in relationship (walaupun tak declare we as couple) , susah sangat lah kalau nak cakap kami mampu menjaga batas pergaulan, susah sangat lah nak percaya kalau pasangan tu mampu jadik kapel islamik (kononnya lah ada term tu in Islam).

like seriously, kalau boleh turn back time, tak nak pun ada moment in relationship tu, call me kolot but I prefer that way. Lagi mahal. Instead bertukar tukar partner which I don't really favour that kind of attitude.

being single, itu maknanya Tuhan lebih tahu diri kau. Kau mungkin nak someone macam pasangan lain, tapi mana tahu kau boleh jadik lebih teruk daripada mereka yang in relationship tu? Who knows you boleh terlanjur ke  for example (mohon dijauhkan dari kita semua) ? Who knows you can be the worst compared to those who are in the relationship? Mungkin jugak, kau sebenarnya hebat dan gagah bila mampu single sebab kau tak terlalu mengharapkan seseorang ( I mean lelaki) untuk kau luah segala masalah sebab kau masih mampu utamakan family, parents and kawan-kawan kau. Mana tahu kau lupa kawan and family punyer nasihat kalau kau tak single dan kau hanyut entah ke mana dengan boyfriend kau.

kau boleh cakap, aku pun boleh cakap jugak 'aku mampu bahagikan komitmen aku dengan family and kawan-kawan' tapi aku tak mampu untuk berjaya macam certain mereka yang mampu bahagi komitmen antara boyfriend family and friends tu. So, talking on my experiences, kita bole cakap kita mampu, tapi DIA lebih tahu diri kita.

so kepada yang masih single, don't be so down. Kita sama sama belajar untuk bersangka baik pada DIA. DIA akan bagi bila kita bersedia. Believe me. It is beyond our thought . DIA lebih mengetahui. So kita ambik masa single ni untuk bina diri kita bole? We prepare ourself with knowledge(especially on our own religion, fiqh,akidah, marriage, how to raise a child, and how to build ourself as an individu). Along the way, just enjoy your single life with your beloved friends and family. Percaya, ada seseorang istimewa untuk kita, cuma cepat atau lambat je. Baik la kita cari dan bina diri kita instead of thinking too much about this matter, bukan maknanya kita tak berusaha dan berdoa. just, jangan kita merungut nape lah aku still single.

HE is preparing us with someone special, just like others. It is the matter of time. Mana tahu, kita dapat cinta selepas kahwin? Siapa tahu , how our love story will be right? semoga love story kita adalah cerita yang diredhai NYA.

and for those who already in a relationship, jangan rasa korang teruk sebab selalu kena provoke dengan iklan say no to couple. no, don't think of that way.Which I know kalau certain baca pasal ni, konfirm aku kena kondem kaw kaw punyer. It is depending on how you work that relationship and menjaga relationship tu supaya tidak terlalu memberat kepada maksiat. Supposedly, masa ni lah korang belajar untuk terima baik buruk orang tu, masa ni la nak betul betul bina trust, loyalty, give and take, compassion and penerimaan baik buruk satu sama lain. Just try your best untuk menjaga batas, which I know it is not easy ( I have been through that moment) . please jangan suka tukar tukar partner or having too many partner at one particular time, try to be faithful to your someone. doa semoga relationship tu mampu end up sampai ke jinjang pelamin. I am praying your your happiness and semoga berkekalan sampai ke jinjang pelamin. Try to work your relationship dalam keadaan yang mana korang tidak akan menconteng arang kat muka mak abah suatu hari nanti, sebab if you both love each other, you will not ruin each other ( if you get what I mean). kalau relationship korang lagi banyak bawak maksiat, then that is not love, that is lust.

being in a relationship or being a single,, it depends on that individu how to take that.

I am single, and I am not ready to give my love easily to someone. Dear girls, mahalkan dirimu. If you decided to be in a relationship, make sure it is for long lasting relationship. Kita bukan muda lagi untuk suka suka kapel clash kapel clash. Being single, I am just preparing myself to be a better muslimah (still finding my identity as a muslim) , a devoted wife and wonderful mother. Being in a relationship, I hope you will plan a wonderful future with your special one and support each other then you will know that you complement each other.


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

i can't wait

I still have approximately 2 years to finish my degree, I don't care about it, I will end it with the best effort but I am waiting for my greenlight.

Greenlight to my freedom. Greenlight for me to do what I wanted in my life which is backpacking and travelling. I will definitely don't have enough money to stay in a hotel so I don't mind sleeping in a hammock.

I don't mind for not having my bath for days and I don't mind for having only plain water along the way I am travelling. If I have to do this alone, I will do it alone.

So, need to enhance on my english skills, read more blogs and articles on travelling.

P/s: I wish to date somebody who loves to travel. Cheap travelling but we will really enjoy our moment together.

I shall be waiting. Waiting for my freedom.

memory jementah, the continued story.

the story continue,,,,,,

esok pagi nya,kuliah macam biasa (pagi tu ada voting untuk jawatankuasa perwakilan pelajar and I already knew I will not get the post for the high committee) and that morning I woke up having fever like previous week (dah lebih seminggu aku asyik demam malam tapi pergi camping tak demam pun,heh heh) .

Anis macam biasa pergi klinik peringgit since last night lagi dia dah mula nak demam. tapi yang buat aku macam terkejut bila dapat tahu anis kena suspek virus kencing tikus,Leptospirosis (saintific name gittew) . 
Maira dah cuak semacam and aku buat buat cool. Lepas tu, semua pergi klinik petang tu jugak untuk check dengan doktor since kami baru balik camping semalamnya tu dari Jementah.

actually memang aku nak pergi jumpa doktor pun petang tu sebab dah lebih seminggu aku duk demam malam jek, ubat batuk woods dah sebotol aku minum dengan susah payahnya ( tak sedap punyer pasal) tapi still batuk lagi. Ni jadik semua orang pergi klinik peringgit since anis dah suspek virus tu. 

tapi pelik, sebab aku google, simptom demam dia lambat sikit, so macam ragu if anis kena virus tu dan secepat itu. Aku ni pulak duk risau kena denggi since demam malam adalah simptom dengue fever. Macam biasa, kalau dah kau cerita kau balik mandi air jeram pastu member kau anis dah kena tahan wad sebab suspek virus tu, semua daripada kami kena ambik darah. 

benda bikin aku lemah lutut, ambik darah. tapi ujian darah aku ambik masa paling lama untuk siap compared to others. why oh why? I just didn't care at all actually. Bila masuk balik bilik doktor tunjuk result darah, terus doktor suspek aku kena virus kencing tikus jugak (lah, pulak? ) . Masa ni baru mula nerves. mahu tidak aku nerves sebab takut nak pergi hospital je sebenarnya. heeeee. 

tapi dapat pengalaman menarik bila first time kena insert jarum untuk masukkan air and naik ambulans you. jangan main main, naik ambulans dari peringgit ke hospital melaka. Siap ada nurse cun lagi escort sama and I thanked Aira sebab temankan aku dalam ambulans tu sampai la ke hospital. 

makan bubur nasi, pastu kena ambik darah lagi. siot je, part paling tak best kat hospital bila nak keluarkan jarum yang guna untuk insert air tu, seriously sakit masa dia tarik jarum panjang tu keluar. I have a silly yet clumsy yet macam hampeh moment with that young doctor, nasib baik kau handsome kalau tak aku tampor jugak doktor tu karang. 

end up aku bebas dari suspek virus kencing tikus,, tapi esok tu kena pergi ambik darah lagi kat poliklinik tu sebab suspek denggi plak (darah aku ada banyak kuman, ternak kuman sejak bila pun aku tak sure). Nyaris doktor tu admit aku wad, tapi since dia ambik darah aku so kira bebas lah kan.

makan dengan hati gembira sebab dah tak de pape,, (actually aku pun konfiden jugak kami tak kena virus tu) . lepas tu balik dengan jayanya terus ting tong. penat yang amat. 

tapi paling kesian dengan anis, sebab sebenarnya dia kena appendiks and ulser dalam perut. Memang deviated terus dari suspek virus kencing tikus tu and now she went for the surgery and it was a success.Still trying to recover from her surgery. speedy recovery anis. Nanti kita pergi cari lagi doktor syauqi tu ea. (dah head over heals towards a doctor who treated her in that surgery ward). 

mungkin itu jodoh? 

dan aku bebas dari suspek kencing tikus. We all freed from that virus. it matters the most. 

my sister, maria ulfa

tahun ni agak awkward bagi aku, mana tak nya kak maria dah grad.. I already missed her the most. rindu jugak kat kak wahida and kak nadhirah samuel.

but, I miss kak maria most of the time. tapi macam biasa, hanya sibukkan diri (gosh, hectic and packed schedule for this semester) as always. Rindu pada ls-g-10 yang mana aku konfirm terjah dengan dress tak cukup kain aku, pastu landing atas katil kak maria dengan selamber beruang jek. siap borak dengan bear bear dia lagi.

I miss the most the moment dia buatkan milo pastu kami cecah dengan biskut hup seng, perghh masyuk and jugak layan istanbul aku datang dengan kak maria pukul 3 pagi kat bilik tv. Mak guard mesti terkejut tengok kami agaknya. 

tapi, since batu pahat tu tak jauh sangat dari melaka and her sister, kak ani is staying in Melaka so she came to visit nana and me. yippi . overjoyed. 

pergi makan coconut shake femes kat batu berendam (semestinya bukan badak berendam) . nak makan rojak tapi kedai tutup pulak. then makan makan then balik. 

spending time dalam kereta sebab hujan,, selfie banyak banyak pastu kembali pulang ke asrama. sedih. 

thanks bagi baju I love dari china tu. I like it so much. 

I believe, ada pertemuan ada perpisahan. tapi,, kita pasti berjumpa lagi. semoga dapat posting melaka, bole buatkan alat bantu mengajar syasyaz lagi (the only one who call me syasyaz, and let it be only for her, the special one for me) . 

I heart you, sista. 
x0x0


nana, my notty siter.


nice shot nana.








I met her when I went to sabah for a benchmarking under JPP, so she joined us and that is our very first time meeting each other. since then, we get closer. She is such a wonderful person, believe me. You must get to know her,,.  


birthday celebration

1 Januari 2014. Birthday Puan Zaima .  Since she is like our own mother (we called her ibu) so our geng decided to celebrate her birthday and also her husband's birthday whom we called him ayah.

Wawa, syida,aira,anis,maira,hawa,nana,farhana (we become close as we joined the rekreasi minda recreational consultant as the facilitators) decided to celebrate their birthday at batu pahat nasi minyak, tesco.

We just have a short dinner and a moist chocolate cake that we ordered from my classmate, Farhanah. She is good with baking and I even went to her house on friday and saturday to try that moist chocolate cake. Our first attempt on making that moist chocolate cake was a success. So, we can have that mosit chocolate cake for the birthday.

On Saturday,Wawa and I went to tesco for reservation for the dinner. I enjoyed myself with WAWA, trying to get to know her more. I thanked ibu and ayah because we already close loke siblings and knowing Wawa I think she is such a caring person despite of her strict personality.

Everything went well, that celebration also went for razman as continued his degree at unikl.

I love this relationship with them, we are like family though we are not in the same courses but we quarrel and crack jokes like siblings.

May Allah bless ayah and ibu always. Happy birthday.

P/s: enjoy the picture. This is one of the memories carved in my life for 2014
kek yang aku dengan fa duk buat tester dulu siap2.. since menjadi baru boleh on buat kek birthday ibu. 
aku gemuk sebab makan kek berderet deret je minggu tu. hiks.

aku dengan wawa pergi awal kat tesco untuk reservation tempat. time ni teman wawa makan pastu terserempak dengan cikgu rosli


before ibu, ayah,man and yana sampai.selfie lah ape lagi kan.



this girl has such a dazzling smile. keep smiling my dear. 


birthday ibu n ayah both bulan januari. memang sonang lah sambut sekali gus terus kan.


the almost like family picture. ni pun ada yang tak dapat join. having them is a blessing for me.

ni dalam kereta nana, the only crazy driver yang bawak kereta laju nak mam*** pastu macam ongila.(baca orang gila)

sepanjang aku duk lalu lalang kat tesco, ni first time aku tahu restoran ni wujud. kah3. siot me.

praying the HE will bless both of you always. 



short moment with them

It has been more than a year I was officially 'retire' from jawatankuasa perwakilan pelajar in my college. I think I have learnt so many precious experiences for these past two years when I was in that organisations.

The most precious one is the ukhwah when I was with them, the members of jpp. I started to believe that everything happened for a reason, at least for a reason. Despite of my reluctant heart to be here,, I gained wonderful moments and experiences that I know helped me to be who I am today.

Ukhwah. I call it in a simple way as friendship. I would say this relationship more sibling-like relationship. After all hardship and obstacles that we have been through, thanked to kak umai who instill love towards each other in each and everyone of us, we still care and close with each other until today thoughwe are no longer in the same organisation.

A wonderful weekend, a sunny morning we went to taman rekreasi botanikal melaka for a short jog (more on taking pictures I must say,ahaks) and we went to pengkalan balak (almost get lost to port dickson) before we had our lunch and went back to our hostel.

Kak azie, nisah,ash, ann,andi and I went together. Konon reunion jpp . Tapi ramai yang tak dapat join so last last kami berenam je. Sempat pergi ke pusat reservation penyu dan tengok penyu yang besaq tu duk berenang dengan anak-anak dia.

Tapi, yang paling bikin aku menangis bila sesi heart talk (macam main true or dare ) tapi kali ni jawab soalan yang ditanya dengan jujur. Dari situ,, aku melihat dan mendengar setiap dari kisah mereka. Kisah mereka yang aku kira, aku belajar sesuatu dari kisah mereka. Aku belajar di sebalik tawa riang mereka,, ada satu kisah duka mereka. Setiap kisah berbeza, tapi rasa itu sama. Doaku semoga mereka dipermudahkan urusan dan semoga mereka temui bahagia di akhir kisah mereka.

Mereka,, ada air mata yang menitis, bukan hanya aku yang mengalami hal yang sama.

Mereka, ada resah ada sakit ada perit ada hati yang terluka tapi mereka tetap mampu tertawa riang.

Dan aku berharap aku temui kebahagiaan aku juga someday. Yes I know I will be happy at the end of the day and I am totally grateful to have them in my life.

'Kisah kita berbeza, tapi aku belajar sesuatu dari kisah mereka‘

Duit elaun tak masuk lagi, so tak banyak sangat bole buat, tapi moment bersama tu sangat la best.

Again.thank you for this day. Another memory I created with them. I wanted to have as much memories as possible with them before I graduated. This is my life and I will be the one who will give colours and rhythms to my life and surely it will be nothing without them.



nampak tak penyu tu? 


you just enjoy your life. 
eat, pray, love


get away with chup chup girl

First week of my fifth semester I went to nenek esah's house (nenek saudara bella) with my girls ( geng chup chup girls) .

Saja bosan,so aku pergi rumah nenek esah. Aku tasha dan fara naik bus sebab kereta tak muat so naik je bus dari melaka sentral turun dekat umah nenek esah.

Malam tu ayu,bella,ika,nad,aku and fara pergi pasar malam before pukul 12 malam tu pergi ke air panas gadek. Mandi punyer mandi berendam dalam air panas tu pukul 2 pagi baru kami balik.

Sempat layan maharaja lawa tengok drama bukan aku tak cinta ( fall in love with the ost song) sambil kait rambutan kat belakang rumah nenek) dan sempat masak masak sikit.

It is good to spend my time with nenek esah,since I don't have grandmother anymore.

Sempat makan durian yang parents bella bawak kat umah nenek esah. Fuh best woo.




gambar before pergi melaka sentral untuk naik bus je ada. gambar kat air panas gadek tak dak tak ingat nak ambik.kalau ambik pun, ada yang freehair. eheee


p/s : iffah n syuk tak join. tasha hanya ada masa naik bus nak pergi umah nenek esah and dia datang ambik kami kt umah nenek esah je.She has her own business to settle on that week.

a short weekend at Jeram Jementah

though i am not pretty sure the exact name for 'jeram' that I went to with my friends, ayah and ibu but it was located somewhere in Jementah, Johor. We went there around 4pm and arrived almost 10pm if I am not mistaken. 

It was such a very quiet place, a real 'hutan' for camping site. You can hear the melody of water flowing through that jeram and also the night creatures that started humming their melody as well. Though you will feel some kind of tranquility to be in that kind of forest ( you are very close with the nature) but it also send a queer feeling that will cause you a bit trembling. That kind goosebumps that run through your nerves. That night we only use generator to get the electricity and we have our durian (melantak macam ape dah), dinner (ibu masak best woo) and we just enjoy the night talking, sibling-quarreling and the best, went to the toilet which is quite far from our camp site and it was very dark to go there. 

that night, I slept almost 2 am while listening to the music, as I hardly fall asleep that night. A new environment maybe, so I don't simply adapt to it. tapi once dah tidoq, kirim salam lah aku nak sedar paper,, but before I fall asleep, I can hear the sound of flowing water and the sound made by the 'enormous frog' which I thought it was from the monkey. 

woke up to perfom our subuh prayer at 6.30 am and we jump into the water (bapak sejuk ) to catch the prawn. my first time having the experience tangkap udang kecik kecik dalam air pakai penapis yang digunakan di dapur tu. Punyer lah stail. Ibu taught us how to catch them and even Aira and Syida eat those small prawn alive. aku tak sanggup la pulak nak makan hidup-hidup. Part paling best bila Syida ajak aku temankan dia tangkap udang tapi dia yang give up awal-awal bila tak dapat udang. I guess, it required a big amount of patience in you. It demands a great patience. 

we have cempedak goreng, nasi goreng, then masak lagi ( aku belajar masak sayur lemak, punyer lah senang, masukkan bawang, ikan bilis,santan, bawang putih dan sayur tanpa minyak pun) . We have our breakfast,, then we jump into the water again (kali ni mandi kaw-kaw punyer) before we cooked our menu for lunch. 

layan gelagat masing-masing,, memang best. mandi dengan anis syida maira and aira also yana memang best. kau shampoo kepala aku, aku shampoo kepala kau, kau massage kaki aku and vise versa memang super best. Aku pun dah pandai belajar berenang, a good progress so i need to keep it up again lah kan. I could recall our conversation (anis,syida and I) : what if jeram ni ada virus kencing tikus? semua cuak tapi masing-masing came out with the conclusion mana ada virus tu since ramai je yang mandi kat sini. 

pukul 6 petang, bertolak balik ke maktab (kena masuk before pukul 9 malam) . then masa dalam kereta Anis dah start demam. Then, ada rentetan kisah yang berlaku pada esok harinya. 

we end our camping by having durian again at the college. memang hantu durian betul aku ni. 

enjoy the picture. 
x0x0
on the way.... that little girl is Yana. my middle name as well right. 

kalau lah aku pakai mak aku punyer ni, mahu kena nyanyi free2 dengan mak aku.heh heh


cempedak goreng, tempting meh


ibu, the one of the best chef and sifu lah kalau bab masak ni



happy birthday ayu

acara wajib geng aku, chup chup girls adalah sambut birthday each of the members. So, untuk early January ni, Ayu yang first sambut birthday dia. Yet, she is one year younger than me. 

so that day, we didn't wish her birthday at all. Though I met her a few times at the field for our Gerko Subject this semester. In the evening, Ika and nad went to buy her birthday cake and we celebrate her birthday that night, before the midnight. 

We all prepared the candles, the balloon, the mask and the cake (of course lah kan) and we went to her room (ayu satu rumate dengan nad). 9 of us except Iffah who went to sleep early that night but replaced with Ijah (tasha's friend who sneaked into our hostel) celebrate her birthday. 

as always, we took pictures and hear for her confession. That birthday girl sedih sebab none of us wish her birthday even told her boyfriend Ijat about it. 

Hey pumpkin, we will never forget your birthday. 
Semoga jadik anak yang solehah,
bakal isteri yang solehah,
ustazah yang solehah,
dan muslimah yang solehah hendaknya. 

my prayers will always be with you. 
grow up pumpkin and enjoy your sweet 22. 

patutnya sembilan geng chup chup girls ni (pergh, nama tak menahan) tapi iffah pi tidoq awai plak dah. haha.



ayu si gigi braces. enjoy your life bunny ayu. Age is just a number, keep learning, enjoy your life and be mature. Age is just a number that will always reminds you of the hereafter. 

x0x0

Saturday, February 1, 2014

society sickness

salah satu sikap masyarat yang bikin aku menyirap adalah apabila aku tengok anak-anak meninggi suara dengan parents masing masing. Paling nakharom siap boleh tengking parents.

blerghh, rasa ingin maki anak yang kurang tu balik meruap ruap kot tapi aku siapa karang lagi banyak masalah plak kalau aku masuk campur.

I pity those poor parents for having such ungrateful and rude children. Semoga kita, especially aku tak akan buat macam tu kat orang tu tidak kira la parents sendiri or orang tua yang lain. kasihkan orang tu seperti mana mereka tu macam parents kira sendiri, lantak la dia kerja tukang sapu ke guard jaga je ke.. kasihkan mereka, hormati mereka. Walau siapa pun mereka, hormat ni tak perlu tunduk pada menteri menteri besar je, sebab di sisi Dia,, semua manusia tu sama je tak kira pangkat or harta darjat.

lagi aku sedih, bila anak yang jenis malas bekerja. Malas nak mampus. Memang kalau aku, memang mohon blah dari rumah tu cepat cepat. Dah la malas belajar, malas kerja pulak tu. Kerja dia dari kecik sampai tua bangka menyusahkan mak ayah. Durjana sungguh perangai kau

like serious, these kind of people irked me. They really pissed me off lah. patut la ada pepatah orang entah pape cakap ' kecik kecik tak nak mampus, besar besar menyusahkan orang".

tak boleh kalau sekali saja seumur hidup, bahagiakan mereka? hantar mereka pergi haji dengan duit kita sendiri?

it sounds harsh in my writing but this is what I hate about our society. mak bapak, bagi mereka buruk mana pun anak, hatta penagih dadah sekalipun, tetap sayang. tapi kau as anak? bagi aku hanya layak diludah dimaki dicerca. paling tidak bagi la duit pada mak ayah, tak banyak pun mereka mintak.

dan aku, aku rasa walau banyak mana duit aku bagi kat parents, belum cukup untuk aku balas jasa mereka.

fikir lah,, I hate this society sickness,it seems to be contagious among our society where the children can simply yell at the parents. Where it has gone wrong? is it parenting skill? or is it the children factor yang sememangnya tak kenang budi?

let her go

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)

Will you let her go?

I would marry you if you propose me with this song. Ahaks. 
no, currently it has been one of my favourite in my playlist. that's all
I just love the lyric, his voice is too sexy lah like an Irish man. 

will you let her go? 

what am I supposed to do with 2014. (pending entry)

 so many things to achieve in 2014?
I guess so,, I also wanted to achieve something significant in my life.

above all, this is what I have been trying to be :

1. a better friend
2. a better girl
3. a better daughter
4. a good teacher
5. a devoted wife
6. a good muslimah.
7. a wonderful mother

What I want to achieve for my long term vision?
1. pursue my master in an establish university local or abroad.
2. drive my own car, have my own house before 30 years old.
3. travelling and backpacking to some countries .
 I wish that I will have my green light right after I graduate. Semoga tak kena posting jauh-jauh. hihi. Before I get married, I wanted to travel to istanbul with shima, surabaya with ilia eleena and fikri maybe and last to guilin with kak maria and fatin. Hopefully I will also date someone who loves to travel like me.
4. get married before 28 years old.
5. wear my braces and eye lid surgery for my right eye.
6. apply for my posting to Kedah, Melaka, Terengganu
7. volunteer teacher in poor countries like cambodia, vietnam, or india.
8. Umrah before 35 years old and sign up for haji as soon as possible.


What I want to achieve for my short term vision?
1. grad with second class upper.
tak dan dah nak kejar first class upper yang 3.8 tu bila cgpa sekarang baru 3.5.
2. cemerlang A praktikum.
3. saving gold or dinar emas maybe?
4. manage to go to Krabi , singapore or hatyai and batam at least before I graduate.
5. Spend my time with the orphanage (at least for once), the old folks, and other society organiations.
6. Kursus kahwen (for real, I am preparing myself though I didn't know where the future will bring me and I am going alone.sedih lah jugak)

What I want to achieve at the current state? This is my wishlist for 2014.

1. I want to learn to swim.
2. I want to learn a new recipe like spaghetti, sushi or oreocheese cake.
3. I want to learn sewing. I want to sew my own dress at least for one.
4. I want to ride a horse.
5. I want to try wall climbing and archery.
6. at least, go for hiking once or twice.
7. backpacking to penang or ipoh perak. A cheap travelling.
8. try for roller coaster, roller blade or ice skating.
9. I wanted to try a small online business. It is not easy to start but I will give a try.
10.I can jog on a track for 1km non stop.
11. achieve my ideal weight at 47kg. fuyooh tu pun masih berat lagi kot. haruslah kena kurus sebab ramai kawan nak kawen sem ni.
12. change my meal, I wanted to eat more fruits and start to have vegetable in my meal. For real, nak belajar makan sayur. I'll start with carrot first.
13. less spending money on unnecessary things like handbag shoes and clothes
14. read more books. especially on Islamic book and english book. (10 books per year).
15. go for some adventure, like skytrek. Itu menakutkan untuk orang gayat macam aku tapi nak cuba jugak. maybe I'll try with jambatan gantung dekat taman rekreasi melaka tu dulu, yang tu lepas hope bole la pergi untuk skytrek tu dengan geng serkop girls tu.
16. a little saving ( one of my long term wish)
17. hoping for singapore and batam this year. cari jalan camne nak dapatkan passport aku, should I cheat? eheeee.
18. online business, belajar dan terus belajar akan ini. I seriously have no experience on this tapi tengok orang buat macam best jek.
19. Involve with an international level event. bosan lah maktab ni, tak de satu pun event yang mencabar minda. Having talk dengan foreigner ke, baru best. Ni asyik duk comfort zone je.
20. sem ni or sem depan harus cecah pointer 3.8 and above.
so perlu work hard on assignment, praktikum wajib dapat A, dan dapat semua A untuk semua subjek. tak kisah A- ke. Tapi dua orang lecturer subjek minor tu aku memang tak dapat nak coop, acaner ni?
21. belajar bawak kereta. this is a must. by hook or by crook, dah lama lesen aku tu duk peram camtu je.
22. A better muslimah ,
        - no more skip solat, especially kalau dekat mall. no more lupa lupa.
        - khatam quran at least once a year, and try to understand the meaning.
        - rajin rajin for dhuha . and tahajjud (sebulan sekali maybe?)
        - try to make this as habit of reading al kahfi and al mathurat.
        - recite al mulk in the hostel and more zikir and ilmiah reading .
23. bonding time with my serkop girls, my few classmates and my ex jpp and keeping in touch my other friends.      
24. preparing for my long term vision, my master (urghh I hate tesl but I need to have my master at least) so I need to start reading on action research.
25. last one, preparing myself to be a good teacher. may Allah ease my first practikum and semoga aku dapat mengajar mereka dengan baik. semoga dapat deliver ilmu yang berguna untuk mereka. So, start searching for articles on how to teach english to the pupils.


seems a lot, but along the way, you can achieve it.. 25 wishlist is not that much, as you have 365 days in your life. So let's do it.


wishlist :
1. sony mp3 (since I lost my mp3)
2. roller blade, dari dulu duk cari tak jumpa
3. nike running shoes. JPO maybe?
4.designer handbag and shoes.
5. vincci wedges.
6. a victoria secret perfume, like coconut passion.






rasa itu

you said : kita akan bahagia bila aku lepaskan rasa itu

I said : my heart still want to hold on to you. 

jadi, apa patut aku buat? one of the way is, we become strangers with memories. This is only the way where I can return your life to the normal, to the point where we haven't met, to the point I didn't fell in love with you.

it is never easy, even to remain as friend. I don't understand you. I don't even know you. I just head over hell falling in love with you with no apparent reason. 

so I got to back off from your life.

tak perlu semakkan hidup kau lagi. 

what will happen if we ever meet again? I don't think we will meet again. 

farewell, I am done chasing. you can see me in your instagram, foursquare and twitter me,, but that it. I will not try to have any conversation with you anymore if that will please you. just saying hello for sometimes. It won't repeat the previous conversations. 

2.0.1.4

hello 2014.

so, what will happen in my life for 2014?

no one can foresee future, so let just enjoy every moment that I have in my life. Whatever turbulence or miracle that will come and hit my life, I will just accept them in a very positive way. I just want to create as much memories as possible, and experience as much possible as I can.

a better learner,
a better dreamer,
a better reader,
a better person,
a better muslimah.

I am looking forwards for some enjoyable ride with my friends.

2014, just bring it on.

I will always thanks 2013 though nothing much happened, but it is when I started to realised, I didn't have much wish or resolution for 2013. I just go with the flow.

maybe, I stop dreaming and hoping.

let's change it in 2014.

chapter of 2013 (pending entry)

tak banyak jadik dalam tahun 2013. sebab tak busy macam previous year yang mana aku masih pegang jawatan JPP . tapi 2013 aku banyak spend masa dengan my friends and banyak kena camping..

1. camping BIG dan keluarga angkat kt bkit senggeh melaka.


2. camping badan beruniform BSMM kt Mersing Johor.

3. camping at bukit sedanan.

4. camping dgn rekreasi minda consultant.

5. pergi seremban cari baju raya. Tido umah tasha, main bunga api. wihuu seronok.

6. celebrate birthday the girls,, including my birthday. ni kira acara wajib kami the geng 9 of us. ni first time dapat sambut birthday my rumate,kalau tak selalu time cuti je.

7. menang kawad kaki badan beruniform.

8. menang match basketball untuk sukan ipt negeri melaka.
9. home nursing at kolej jururawat for BSMM (Bulan Sabit Merah Malaysia, formerly known as PBSM)
10. Second last PBS kat kelantan with my rumate.
11. Last PBS dekat KEdah, tidur rumah iffah, buat PBS ramai2 satu sekolah dengan five of us. Hanya ayu dengan tasha yang tak join.

12. dinner at a hotel.

13. Pergi penang. Jumpa zaff and shafiq. pergi bukit bendera, naik cable car best woo, beli jeruk femes penang. I missed penang so much.
14. Pergi perlis. bought him a chelsea jersey. tapi sampai sekarang tak dapat2 lagi. pity him.
15. dinner batch secara haram kat hotel.
16. dinner persaraan Madam Low Swee Peng, I was one of the emcee.

17. photoshot with kak maria and kak farah.
18. pergi batu pahat rumah kak maria dan jugak rumah kak ani kat duyong melaka.
19. pointer naik kepada 3.69 (sikit lagi nak capai target 3.7) lepas tu drop mendadak 3.47 (nasib baik cgpa 3.5 lagi)
20. pemergian arwah samsidar, one of my friend in IPG due to a traggic accident. This is my second time I lost my friend in an accident. It leave such a painful memory in me. trauma after that.
21. Went to somewhere in bangi. sempat attend kuliah ustaz harun din.
22. trip EDU subject to RTM dan putrajaya.
23. makan makan with madam GAN
24. kolokium pendidik at masjid al azim. I was one of the volunteer.
25. pameran ICT, I as naib pengerusi. It is damn wonderful working with them.

pheww not bad, syiok jugak moment aku untuk 2013 ni. well, thanks for the memories. hope for more in 2014. with that, I end another chapter in my life. thank you 2013, and hello 2014.