Sunday, June 8, 2014

tiada rasa

If you come to me trying to love me, I advice you to stop.
I don't have heart to love anymore.
It already broken into pieces.

I shut off other men in my life.
friendzone..
aku tahu kejam buat orang macam tu, tapi biarlah. biarlah mereka cari yang jauh lebih baik dari aku.
I am no longer interested to love. I am more interested with my career and my future.
daripada aku pretending untuk sayang orang tapi hati tak pernah happy.
I don't want to hurt , the same way I've been hurt.


lagipun, I don't think I can love anyone else anymore.
the pain that kiroro left me is too painful.
someday, when I healed, I will love other man. I will open my heart. I know I will get someone better than that jerk.

loving you endlessly, leaving me with tears. I swear, if I can choose, I will never choose a man like you. sayangnya, my heart choose you. damn it right.

I'll just keep a few that I really regard as best boy friends. boleh bilang pakai jari. The rest are just acquaintances.

I just don't have heart anymore to love. It is gone,, broken into pieces. I just need time with the right person. It is the matter of time. A better person will come as long I also be a good person.

I can love kiroro unconditionally but you never give me chance to love, you never take this chance to get to know me better, you never open the door for me to enter your heart and love you.
Never mind. I wish you all the best in life.

trying to remain friendship with kiroro, I guess I failed. coz everytime I try to have conversations with him, it will end up with fight.I ended up with sakit hati. sometimes tears. I keep this anger towards him for all those painful memories,, so I let it out through the conversations. kerja asyik nak marah dia je. padahal this is not so me yang akan tetibe hangin tak masal. So I better stop.

dia pon cakap, jangan msg kalau nak angin camtu. so I deleted his number. Semoga aku tak perlu lepaskan amarah tu pada dia lagi. aku pulak yang sakit hati.

orang tua tua pesan, jangan sayang terlalu sangat, nanti jadik benci. begitulah sebaliknya. Yes true indeed.
once ago, I love him so much, now I hate him so much. kalau dulu aku excited nak jumpa dia, especially bila tahu dia intern kat Klang, tapi apa aku dapat last sekali?I made him card n hoping nak bukak puasa sama sama, even aku belajar buat cheese tart. tapi at the end? Aku sendiri yang sakit. Masa tu dia yang cakap, kita akan bahagia kalau aku lepaskan rasa itu. Ok, I understood. So, let me walk away from your life.
 so aku just harap we will never meet again in future. I will be praying for that.

I know it is wrong to hate, coz I hardly hate someone but I'll let this hatred grow stronger coz this is the only way I can live without him.

someone else will appreciate me. someone else will appreciate the cheese tart or cake or mee goreng that I will cook for him ;)

so for now, I close my heart. hati besi aloy adalah hasil yang aku belajar dari apa yang aku rasa. Pain. temporary happiness.

biarlah aku duk menggedik konon2 nak kawen dgn mat salleh lah, nak carik doktor lah bla bla bla when you know you just entertaining yourself. I need time to start over everything. To find the pieces of my heart so that I can love again....


jadi, impian nak pergi mabul or krabi tu boleh la buang dalam laut. you are a good liar, kiroro. you give hope, then you crash it. Thank you.

aadha IShq (click to watch) 

semalam tetibe terlayan hindustan, ye la sebab akak aku mak aku semua layan hindustan, aku je pelik layan korea je kerjanya. 

tengok citer ni, tajuk Band Baajaa Baaraatt.. cerita Hindustan ni lah. ok citer ni sangat best.macam kena atas batang hidung sendiri. 

kisah dia, a girl yang buat rules tak kan jatuh cinta, dengan partner satu kerja sendiri, tapi entah macam mana bila kerja sama sama tu, she fall in love with her business partner, apa lagi kena la friendzone dengan lelaki tu. 

tapi at least cerita ni happy ending when that guy realise yang dia cintakan that girl in the end of the day tu pun bila perempuan tu cakap dia nak kawen dengan orang lain.

well, dalam cerita semua boleh buat happy ending. realiti? i don't think so.

a girl can never be a good friend to a man without any love affection no matter how you stick to the rules. 

same with me. cerita ni macam reflect kat diri sendiri. 

I knew Mr. R as a friend. lepak sama, dengar cerita dia yang funny tu boleh bikin aku gelak habis, lepak library sama suh dia ajar mathematic , walaupun aku cakap pada diri, I don't believe in love at the first sight. tapi tengok apa jadik pada diri sendiri, I fall in love with him. I was head over heal in love with him. when ? how? why? I can never give an exact answer for that.

oh shot, this is so painful. lepas tu kena friendzone.

dan kisah aku ni, tak akan pernah ada happy ending, except we become strangers with some memories.
that's all.


sem 5 was such a hectic

yippi yabedabeddu.
I am enjoying my semester break.
holiday.

end of my fifth semester, so another 3 semester to go and now I have the chance to update my blog.I really can't wait to end all this. I just hope this semester my pointer will elevate though I know it seems quite impossible, but never mind, I did my best so I'll leave everything in HIS hand to decide. Tawakkal aje lah.

so ape yang aku dah buat sepanjang satu sem ni? satu aim pon tak tercapai lagi rasanya. Aisyh, need to work it out a bit harder.

here's an update on what had happened in my life for this one whole semester.

1. ke rumah nenek esah di Tampin. Mandi air panas gadek, pukul 2 pagi baru balik. wihuuu. air dia kotor wei..

2. handle event BIG kali ni school visit, macam biasa aku pegawai perhubungan luar dgn sekolah cluster tu.
( I impressed with the environment, this school really deserve the tittle. I also came from a cluster school, so I know how they work) 

3. exam koku kepegawaian, oh dapat gred B so kena complete 4 praktikal la jawabnya untuk tauliah pegawai. frust wei tapi salah sendiri tak hafal elok2 buku tu.

4. handle minggu kokurikulum, merentas desa again jadik pegawai perhubungan luar deal dgn polis trafik ( memang tu la jawatan aku even since I left perwakilan pelajar) lol.
( buat nombor larian peserta. Kat sini banyak boleh tengok sikap manusia, yang most of the time tahu condemn jer kerja nya tapi cakap tak fikir depan belakang, tak fikir situasi ajk tu macam mana susah nya bekerja. Bila kau di atas baru kau tahu susah macam mana, tapi pengecut tak nak ambik jadik ketua tapi last2 reti condemn orang je.bitchy! ) lol but I mean it. I hate this type of people.I did.




( dapat lecturer yang super duper awesome cam encik rosli ni memang best) 

5. APTIS test at SK Padang Temu, one step closer to be an agitator for British Council, my long wishes. Oh harap lulus la Aptis test, aku dah penat nak repeat sebab fail cambridge test. Please lulus please. I did my very best dah tu,, wuuu.

6. sambut birthday Puan Zaima @ ibu kt nasi beriyani tesco. Jumpa crush lama dgn awek dia kat situ pulaks, now dia dah selamat jadik suami isteri dah pon. kihkihkih.
testing buat kek ni kat umah Fa, aku tumpang makan skali kek tester tu. hiks. so tadaa ni la kek tu. choc moise cake. I just love cake.




( ni lah geng2 camping untul RZRM consultant. Puan Zaima and ayah dah plus kawan2 yang lain dah macam siblings dah .. Puan Zaima masak best woo selain busu. Tu yang syiok bila g camping )


7. pergi UIA untuk seminar pengurusan cinta. I learnt a lot, I gained a lot. thanks to Aam bagi tumpang bilik.

( ada aiman azlan, ada hilal asyraf. Tambah ilmu sikit2 apa salahnya )



8. acara tahunan wajib untuk geng kami 9 orang, birthday celebration. Mula2 sekali start dgn ayu, then iffah combine dengan aku then si nabila huda.

9. lepak n birthday celebration with maria Ulfa, lama bebenor dah tak jumpa dia since akak maria dah grad. Spend time with her at Starbuck, pantai klebang , pantai alai n watching spiderman 2. Syiok wooo.

10. dramatization for my coursework LGA. Aku jadik kelawar weh, syiok pulaks berlakon jadik kelawar ni.heeeeee.

11.camping dengan RZRM consultant. tapi camping kali kedua paling aku tak akan lupa bila razman kena patuk ular blue coral (one of the most deadly snake in the world). it is such a miracle that he survived coz there is no anti venom for that snake. doktor yang treat razman tu hensem tapi razman masuk wad kejap sangat, tak sempat nak usha dia lebih2. Razman should stay a bit longer so that I'll have a strong reason to visit him and meet that charming doctor. Lepas Anis yang bikin suspen kitaorang sebab kena suspek kencing tikus, razman buat suspen dengan kes ular.. memori betol lah

12. watching movie OCULUS with my geng tapi tak cukup korum 9 orang. Watching at Melaka Mall, so tak ramai orang, macam kitaorang booking cinema tu untuk kita2 je. serious kteorang je yg melongok tengok movie tu. Sempat jugak tengok movie robocorp punyer lah gigih pakai baju kurung berlari sana sini siapkan kerja sebab nak tengok movie ni. nah belanja gambar satu.

13. prakticum a.k.a practical at SK Semabok,, memang menguji semua lah minda jasad hati emosi intelligent semua bagai sebab kena ngajar kelas last, dapat cikgu yang agak cepat panas baran n cerewet, dan dapat one of the most perfectionist lecturer as my pensyarah pembimbing yang bagi markah. But both of them are very helpful and I learned a lot through out this first phase of practicum. memang mencabar kau ajar kelas last , imagine you nak plan camne nak ajar dyeorang bila ada yang tak pandai membaca menulis, pastu nak control class yang ada almost 30 cute little devils tu.. cabaran woo dan aku rasa aku paling worst sekali mengajar kali ni. so I am damn worried about my pointer since markah praktikal ni bnyk influence pointer.
paling sakit lagi seksa nak settle kan fail praktikum pastu buat teaching aids sampai almost everyday kau tidur pukul 5 pagi. paling awal tu pukul 2 pagi. ok tu baru sebulan. next sem 2 bulan bhai.urghh..

14. photoshot saje suka suka dengan geng tapi yes tak cukup korum lagi 9 orang. masing2 busy so yang mana ada je lah. buat kat area dataran pahlawan bukit st. paul tu. there's one japanese man nak ambik gambar dengan aku. wooo aku tahu cakap arigato kuzamaise jek. hiks.

15. ajak ashratul lepak bila semua dah settle nak tunggu exam je, pergi la naik pirate ship kat pirate park, kekonon best. sekali naik ambik kau gayat gilerrrr. aku siap menjerit cakap abang tu 'please get me out of here'.. si ashratul tahan je la dengan perangai aku. Uiii gayat kot macam naik roller coaster kat USS. ok tak mahu dah naik pirate ship. tapi kita nek ferris wheel plak okayh dengan wall climbing. muehehe.

16. sehari sempena hari ibu, buat flying fox and kayak dengan anak anak yatim KAYFAZ fatimah az zahra. Jadik fasilitator and i took the chance untuk berkayak. mahu tak rentung kulit aku panas terik pon duk berkayak jaga stopper flying fox. This time, aku almost pitam sebab panas sangat kot sampai aku yang tergolek jatuh masa stop budak flying fox. adei, embarrassing moment betul. Aku dah lama nak try memanah dan abseiling selain rock climbing, tapi selalu full. haiyaaa.

17. exam . 2 papers tapi bapak susah soalan. sebenarnya bila makin sikit paper exam, lagi scary sebab kalau coursework kau lingkup, dah tak de exam paper nak cover pointer. hewhew.

18. reunion classmate on my birthday. banyak kenangan wei jadik especially dengan tauke motel tu blerghh scary weh scary. Thanks nyanyi lagu birthday untuk aku. sorry untuk semua kekurangan semasa korang datang melaka.

19. big bad wolf. memang bad betul lah Mr. Wolf ni. ramai sangat orang. sama macam aku pergi kat the mines dulu. blerghh. I hate crowded place, with crowded people. tapi demi membelanjakan voucher buku dengan cara yang elok, pergi je la haunting buku. ni satu kotak bila nak habis baca pon tarak tahu lah.hihu.
20. parti magee kat bilik nisah. sedap wooooooo nisah masak. keh3. I am grateful that we still close like we are still in the same JPP again though it has been a year we left that organisation.

21. ending sem ni dengan pertunangan ashratul, one of my best friend,,. satu kelas, satu biro perhubungan luar. pergi umah dia kat kajang awal sebab tak nak balik umah, konon cuti terus lepak kajang. pastu tak sangka jadik mak andam terjun pulaks buat hantaran tunang.cayalah. Masa ni jugak jumpa encik zul yang aku rasa dah dekat 3 tahun tak contact. thanks bawak pergi loyat dan karok bagai jugak untuk nasi ayam yang best tu. thanks jugak razman sebab bawak pergi loyat lagi sekali untuk ambik tab aku yang pecah ( ok ini sedih giler ). thanks juga nini and shima bagi pinjam tidur kat bilik korang. lama giler tak lepak sama kan. Jumpa jugak jerangkung atira isa yang memang kaki merapu sama masa matriks.topik hangat, si cakap besar. hewhew. *tak baik nya aku*

22. before terlupa, sambut birthday syida dengan geng2 camping RZRM. Seronok prank syida cakap cikgu nak jumpa, maaf lah cikgu izrain kami pakai nama cikgu. weeeheee muka syida lepas baru bangun tidur macam nak telan orang.nasib baik ada birthday party kan. Ok last dari sambut birthday syida yang ke 20, aku prank bagi katak hidup kot sekor kat dia. punyer la setan perangai. Sorry Ida.

23. permainan tradisional, best woo tak pernah sepanjang hayat aku main konda kondi. leuls. best. Best merapu dengan team classmate ade ler..

24. besides drama, ada short debate untuk subjek minor Pendidikan Moral, tak pernah aku pegang part pembangkang ketiga. ok lah tu, walaupun dah lama tak debat, still bole lagi la bangkang hujah..

( jadik best debater time ni je la. time betul2 match tak dapat lah.. )

25. awal awal sem pergi mandi Air Terjun Jementah dengan ibu, ayah n geng2 camping. Anis Nabila buat gimik kena suspek kencing tikus bila sebenarnya dia kena appendiks. hewhew. tak masal kitaorang gelabah g check darah sama. aku la yang tak selamat bila aku pon duk demam berminggu minggu tapi duk main demam kebah sekali check darah kena suspek sama. tak masal je aku kena masuk air siap naik ambulans kot pergi hospital. fuyooh seronok pulaks. ni mak aku tahu mahu dia tak risau. keh3.

26. Being a coach n fasilitator untuk anak anak yatim KAYFAZ. Ajar dyeorang untuk sukan anak anak yatim, .tetiba jadik fasi latih mereka olahraga. One of my wishlist fulfilled. I finally managed to spend time with them. They just need love and they wanted to be treated fair with love. Thank you anak anak for the best moments in my life.walaupun sebentar cuma

lecturers and us.. 

27. cendol with my classmates. miss kristil lecturer kami belanja yaww pastu jalan2 kat jonker walk sekejap.
28. don't forget to reward yourself after the hard work. Lepak with Ashratul lepas habis je program. My addiction, coffee starbuck.



29. jogging n gym with rumate . kat bukit serindit, baguslah lepas jogging tibai roti canai yang calori dia memang tinggi. so apa guna jogging kan? wiwiwiwi. well, happy tummy happy me.

30.pergi gym and pergi belajar berenang kat hotel coboi. yihhuuu aku dah pandai berenang sikit sikit. good job to myself sebab ni pon dalam wishlist aku untuk 2014. keep it up. pergi gym kat depan jusco dan gym ni baru bukak. rm5 per entry.not bad lah kan bukan selalu pergi. swimming rm10 per entry.

31. having a short but memorable time with mantan jawatankuasa perwakilan pelajar. dua tahun aku dalam organisasi ni, kerja sama sama nanges sama sama, jadik the hulk angkat kerusi podium pasu bunga yang berat dia boleh tahan sama sama. Ukhwah ni masih lagi kukuh. as if we are still in the same organisation. Thanks a lot akak senior n kawan kawan. masa ni aku dapat selam kisah hidup masing2. luar ada tawa, hati yang selalu menangis. Bukan aku,, tapi mereka juga. cuma kisah kita berbeza.


sem depan lagi banyak jalan since one of my geng nak kawen,, nak tunang lagi. aku pon wajib ke penang n batam untuk backpack. phewww. kena kurus cepat2 sebab nak pakai baju cantik cantik.

I guess, I am enjoying my life. ;)