Saturday, September 6, 2014

kau manusia. Kau tak boleh ada semua (wani ardy)

*langit vanilla*

thank you kak wani, your song helps to soothe me a bit.


kenapa friendship kita makin rapuh?
apa aku sudah banyak sakitkan hati kau?
apa kau tidak mahu kita bincang? 
biar luah segala yang terbuku di hati.

andai salah, ampunkan aku.
andai kau mahu, aku boleh pergi dari hidup kau kalau kau tidak mampu maafkan aku.
cuma, aku ingin kau happy kawan.
cuma aku ingin kau tahu, aku ikhlas dalam bersahabat. 


Few years ago, as I started my new life in this reluctant place, I gave up everything. Since then, I have been living in depression. There is nothing in this place that can make me happy, but I promised myself I will survive here for 5 and a half years. So I live as nothing happened. I kept everything inside as I believe not all can really understand how does it feel when something that you wanted the most in life has been ripped away from you. It is so damn cruel. It leaves you with nothing, until you fall down on the ground. At that moment, you just wish to die. 

Doctor said I have depression. Yeah I know. I have the pills, I got letter to go for further treatment when I was first know that I have depression. but,I will never surrender to pills. Then, I live my life, trying my very best to look normal, trying my best to find the pieces of old me, trying to be alive, but all fake. 

I slowly managed to overcome my depression, when I made myself busy. When I tried my best to enjoy most precious time with chup chup girls (my group girls) , my former school friends, my kmpp friends, senior like maria ulfa. I thought I am healed. Guess I was wrong. It is always there, like a cancer. You don't see it, but you can feel it ruined your body, slowly erodes my depression comes again. I tried to look like I have no problem at all. I laugh, I enjoy my time with my friends, at least it helps me a bit not to surrender myself to my own depression. depression comes again to say hello, 

Allahu, I am so blank right now. I wish to give up. All day and night, I pray to be given strength not to give up to my depression. If I give up, I don't know what will happen to my life. but right now I am so depressed. Irony, I look so strong, I look so fine and normal, I look very happy but actually I just wish I want to sleep forever. I wish I can run as far as I could, I wish I can hide forever, I wish I can travel and settle down alone in one country and not coming back.

I cast away all those negative thought, driven by evils and syaitan. Allah is with me. Help me God. Help me if this is one of Your tests. 

As much as I give advice to my friends to be strong, I doubt myself , can I be strong too? 

make it a success, dear girlfriend.

It has been a while I didn't write in my blog. Here goes my special entry to my punching bag, my cupcake,my girlfriend Shima. I know you are undergoing a strict diet and you really wanted to put off some weight before your graduation day.

dear love,
go for it. Never give up. Here's my little advice to you which I believe everyone can make it too.

1. set your mindset. You will change your life when you change your attitude. Mindset is the basic thing that will determine whether you will success or you'll simply plain give up.

2. Set a target. What do you want to achieve? How many kilo you want to reduce? Print it out and paste it on the wall where you can see everyday.

3. Ask yourself, why do you want to reduce weight? Is it important ? If yes, then plan your way to achieve your aim, your plan.

4. Make a schedule, strictly follow your schedule. This depends on your attitude. so make sure you are well discipline to follow all your schedule. Here, your mindset play the main role. mental kita kuat, bukan?

5. Never give up. at the beginning, it will always hard later you will make it.

make this a success. I am looking forward to see you again, and I want to see there is differences from the last time I see you.

till then,

p/s : shima, my depression comes again. ;(