Saturday, September 6, 2014

depression

Few years ago, as I started my new life in this reluctant place, I gave up everything. Since then, I have been living in depression. There is nothing in this place that can make me happy, but I promised myself I will survive here for 5 and a half years. So I live as nothing happened. I kept everything inside as I believe not all can really understand how does it feel when something that you wanted the most in life has been ripped away from you. It is so damn cruel. It leaves you with nothing, until you fall down on the ground. At that moment, you just wish to die. 

Doctor said I have depression. Yeah I know. I have the pills, I got letter to go for further treatment when I was first know that I have depression. but,I will never surrender to pills. Then, I live my life, trying my very best to look normal, trying my best to find the pieces of old me, trying to be alive, but all fake. 

I slowly managed to overcome my depression, when I made myself busy. When I tried my best to enjoy most precious time with chup chup girls (my group girls) , my former school friends, my kmpp friends, senior like maria ulfa. I thought I am healed. Guess I was wrong. It is always there, like a cancer. You don't see it, but you can feel it ruined your body, slowly erodes you.now my depression comes again. I tried to look like I have no problem at all. I laugh, I enjoy my time with my friends, at least it helps me a bit not to surrender myself to my own depression. depression comes again to say hello, 

Allahu, I am so blank right now. I wish to give up. All day and night, I pray to be given strength not to give up to my depression. If I give up, I don't know what will happen to my life. but right now I am so depressed. Irony, I look so strong, I look so fine and normal, I look very happy but actually I just wish I want to sleep forever. I wish I can run as far as I could, I wish I can hide forever, I wish I can travel and settle down alone in one country and not coming back.

I cast away all those negative thought, driven by evils and syaitan. Allah is with me. Help me God. Help me if this is one of Your tests. 

As much as I give advice to my friends to be strong, I doubt myself , can I be strong too? 

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