Sunday, December 21, 2014

despite of my worst year 2014

I think 2014 is the worst year for me.

I lost a few friendships.
I lost a few best friends.
I didn't have much excitement and achievements.
I didn't involve with something great.
I was stressed.
I was depressed.
I was gamed by someone.

The most painful, I involved with a lot of relationship conflicts this year.  Three friendships conflicts and I think I am going to lose them forever.

However, when I look back, when I sit back to reflect on what had happened to me throughout this year, I think I learnt the best lessons though they are in the most painful form. Those conflicts left some sort of  very obvious scars in my life. Never mind, I took those lesson, for me to be a better person in 2015.

first conflict. a best friend turned into a stranger.
I was wrong. Perhaps I accused the wrong person. Yes I was wrong at this part. I am the one to blame in this conflict. But I tried to repair this friendship, trying my best to repair this friendship but at the end of the day, I learnt that something or some relationship just cannot be saved anymore. I am sorry if I hurt you that much, dear roomate..

second conflict. your best friend's friend fall in love with you.
ha.ha.ha. though it sound funny, though it may look 'what's wrong with that?, there is nothing wrong with that' , but believe me, this kind of situation put me almost in hell-like situation. I was so fucked up. Yeah,, I also though there is nothing wrong about it, I just want to be his friend too when he insisted to be your friend, but it turned out to be he fall in love with you. Itu dah satu masalah bagi aku,, I am not easy to love. I don't give love easily but he kept trying and I also want to give myself a chance to learn to trust a man again, but another problem happened. I have a conflict with my best friend. Lah pulak,,, See,, I was a victim, but in the mean time, I was the cruel and evil person here, macam aku backstabbing my best friend dengan senyap senyap berkawan dengan kawan my own best friend. SHIT. believe me, shit is what I can tell you.. I get annoyed with both of them, my best friend was hurt and went over reacted and that friend keep pleading me to stay in his life. ENOUGH with this nonsense. I walk away from both life. Nahh, then my best friend said please stay, yeah I stayed,, I hold back to this friendship but I won't be the same anymore and to him, I am sorry. I gave him too many chances but he screwed them up. I am firm with my decision. Sorry, no more.

Sakit kepala aku .

I wish I can ask my best friend : you went mad when you know your friend and I became friend because you afraid you will be losing his attention or my attention?

I am so sorry if I made you feel this way but believe me, nothing will change our friendship. Tapi itu lah, cakap lah macam mana pun, dah tak berguna lagi dah.

Third conflict. Stupid misunderstanding.
I merajuk sebab benda kecik. lepas tu masing masing ego. Lepas tu bila aku dah ok tak de pape cuma tak message or wassap that one best friend lepas merajuk tu,, hanya like gambar macam biasa kat instagram dia, tetiba terbaca tweet dia, which I believe ditujukan khas untuk aku.. saying that I was no longer needed in her life. Hanya sebab small matter macam tu? without saying sorry, instead accusing me as degil lepas end our friendship. Hanya sebab benda kecik?

Alright. I got it. I accepted it.

itu tak termasuk conflict dengan pensyarah lagi. Tapi benda tu tak penting, adab belajar, kita kena lah terima pensyarah ni pun manusia. Ada emosi, perangai pun lain lain. Kita yang baik baik sahaja. Always take the good in every conflict.

So, despite of my worst year of 2014, I learnt a few lessons from these conflicts :

I learnt that, it is wrong to reply a text/sms from your friend's boyfriend if there is no serious business between both of you.. Yeah, memang la lelaki tu yang salah sebab message hanya untuk suka suka, tapi bila kita dah mula reply, even as a friend,, memang konflik akan wujud dan selalunya perempuan yang akan dipersalahkan.  This is the easiest way to lose your girl friend, walaupun boy friend yang miang mulakan dulu. So, biar lah orang cakap sombong, ignore. I only replied to his text only a few times, nak nak reply bila dia mengadu masalah dengan girl friend dia (your friend too),, lepas tu bila text yang tak penting tu, ignore. Still. konflik tu wujud. Jadi, lepas ni,, harapnya situasi macam ni tak wujud dalam kamus hidup aku. serik.

I learnt that, friendship does not be measured by how long have you known each other. You thought your friendship was strong, but it is brittle. Macam aku, sebab benda kecik je pun, ingatkan masing masing boleh ignore. Paling tidak, message aku tanya 'kau marah aku lagi ke?' cukup untuk selamatkan friendship. Tapi rapuhnya friendship itu bila semudah itu your friend ends your friendship. Ok. I am sorry if I wasn't a good friend but this is me. Nilai lah sendiri aku ni kawan yang baik atau buruk selama kita berkawan.

I also learnt that, pakai akal sebelum bertindak. Think before you act, look before you leap ...
Kadang kadang, sesuatu benda tu boleh berlaku di luar jangkaan kita. Life is full of surprise kot dan kita, tak boleh la nak semua benda tu ikut kehendak kita. Bila sesuatu jadik, terus assume lepas tu, blaming others. One step may hurt, and it hurt forever, and you will lose important people in your life forever.

The most important lesson, some people if they want to stay, they will stay. or else, they will just go no matter how hard you try to keep them. So, set them free. You, live your own life. Sedih, memang cukup sedih but this is life.

Despite of my worst year 2014, I hope what I have been through so far will help me to be more matured. Hey, 2014 tak de lah teruk sangat pun.

1. I went to Singapore, crazy trip with Ash and Fatin di penang, and also benchmarking di Sarawak dan Brunei. I speak confidently bila bersama dengan pemimpin pelajar Universiti Brunei Darussalam.

2. I passed my APTIS test, ujian untuk semua course TESL di Malaysia, untuk secure posting. Alhamdulillah, tak perlu fikir pasal nak repeat bagai lagi.

3. I managed to 'almost-hit' my target for my pointer. 3.78, 0.02 lagi nak capai target. I think that is my biggest achievement so far, Alhamdulillah.

Hopefully, 2015 will be more different. I have to live with new environment, environment yang mana a few beloved people in my life were no longer stay in my life, teruskan positif, preparation mental dan fizikal yang cukup kuat ( thesis, proposal, dan 3 bulan praktikum, hell year). So, hello 2015.

bring it on.

Setiap apa yang berlaku. Pasti ada hikmah dan pengajaran yang tersembunyi. Kita, manusia cuba lah untuk lihat sesuatu hikmah dan pengajaran itu dengan mata hati.

Syukur alhamdulillah untuk setiap kejadian yang berlaku. Ada pengajaran untuk aku belajar.

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