Friday, January 16, 2015

a decision, Mr R.

I finally made a very hard decision. Like I used to do previous years, which is forgetting you but it failed for every attempts. This year of 2015, I prayed that I will have a strong heart and strong will to really forget you completely from my mind and especially from my heart.

The moment when HY asked for one last chance , he kept saying ' tapi you pun tak boleh move on dari mr. R... ' demmit you demmit. I was hurt with that statement, yes it is true (sebab tu aku benci kau baca blog aku, kau gunaka itu sebagai alasan untuk aku datang balik dalam hidup kau) . So what, kalau aku tak dapat move on sekalipun dari Mr. R , at least aku tak begging macam kau buat. I can find someone else to replace him not you.

Seriously, aku dah penat hidup dengan kena tipu. Men are always good with lies. Bullshit when you tell this and that. I know the truth, I just kept everything inside. So HY, if you happen to read this entry, I am writing this entry for Mr. R.

I really want to forget you kiroro. Slowly, I will no longer disturb you, and you don't have to be annoyed anymore with my text. Soon, I will forget your face, your voice and your laughter and your jokes. It is not easy but I have to try. Someday I hope you will just a history. I prayed for my love for you will soon die slowly.

I am sick of living like this. Hidup seperti tak diperlukan, hidup terhegeh-hegeh, my love was a rubbish for you, and I am sick to listen to your lies and excuses. You said I don't understand you but did you once give me chance to know you, to enter your life? Everytime I tried to be in your life, cuba nak tahu macam mana hidup you sekarang, nak tahu hari ni you buat ape,, but I failed. I tetap a stranger in your life, maybe hanya kawan biasa cuma. You tetap akan halau I keluar dari hidup you.I was blocked from your wassap (once) and from your twitter. Obviously you don't want me to know about your life. Obviously you don't want me to be in your life.

I degil, last-last sendiri yang sakit. So tahun ni, semoga aku berjaya lupakan kiroro. I told my roommate, ' I fall in love with kiroro but it was an unrequited love, so please help me, remind me not to contact him anymore' . She said ok. She kept reminding me not to contact kiroro again. I am going to listen to shafiq advices, don't contact that jerk anymore.

Insyaallah I will. Sebab itu jugak yang kiroro mahukan..

Part paling menyakitkan, bila aku dragged kawan aku Shima sama untuk bagi hadiah pada kiroro, teruknya lah dia layan Shima. I am sorry Shima, I am sorry to drag you in this problem. Let just throw that present into the dustbin. I hate it when he treated you this way. My fault. My fault because I fall in love with a total jerk and I dragged you in this shit. I am sorry Shima.

Sampai bila nak jadik bodoh kan, sampai bila nak hidup macam ni. Sampai bila aku hanya lah option untuk dia bila dia sunyi, bila dia perlukan sesuatu dari aku tapi lepas tu diam sepi seribu bahasa. I am not a thing or a toy. I have feelings.

may this is the best decision for me. I know I'll be missing you but hopefully someday I'll forget you. I wish I can have an amnesia, where I can forgot about you. Hilang ingatan pasal kau, adalah perkara yang aku harapkan. Kau ingat aku tak berusaha untuk lupakan kau. I did. So this time, I want to try harder.

last word, I don't know why I fall in love with a jerk like you. I wish I can hate you.

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