Tuesday, January 6, 2015

it is time to let go.

setiap tahun aku masukkan dalam list azam tahun baru, forget him. delete him from my mind, from my heart and from my life but I failed for each attempt. I am such a loser. Aku finally terhegeh-hegeh kembali pada dia. I felt ashamed of myself. I seriously do.

Sebab tu, aku tak salahkan HY bila dia buat hal yang sama. I mean begging for me to stay, but I don't give him any chance because I made my promise to someone that our friendship was over. Even after he screwed up aku dah tutup hati nak bagi peluang lagi. I don't know why but I kept close my heart to anyone else.

I have enough pain. and I don't want to waste my time in any relationship/commitment. I vowed to myself right after I finish my matriculation year, that I am not going to spend my life with never ending relationship. aku rasa benda tu cukup melalaikan. Maybe sebab tu jugak Allah makbulkan doa aku dan hantar aku masuk maktab yang semua pelajar nya perempuan. Happy. cukup happy. dan aku tak kesah pun bila sekarang aku katakan aku dah tak message dengan mana-mana guy dah.. except in twitter dengan instagram or fb. Tapi setakat tu je lah. tak drag sampai nak message bagai. Unless I need my oppa (shafiq and zaff) and terry to discuss something, or ajam to ask for past year questions. Itu je. I believe this is what I wanted.

Teacher pernah cakap, your soulmate is your reflection. If you like to have a lot of man in your life, he also will have a lot of woman in his life. So keep that advice until now.

but.
but.
but.


with kiroro. it is different. I am happy when I can text him. I am happy when he replied me. I missed those moment bila chat dekat fb, main doodle dekat yahoo messenger, dan chat dekat skype and kacau dia kat twitter. Tapi itu dulu la.

I have been more than 5 years I still want him. Tadi wassap dengan shafiq,, asking him about baju jersey. He was mad. Marah sebab aku lagi suka kiroro. Even sampai cakap baju tu dia dah masuk tong sampah.

What he said semua masuk akal. Akal aku pun bagitahu benda yang sama pada diri. Tapi aku degil.

Shafiq cakap : just ignore him. He don't deserve anything from you. He treated you like..... (I replied, macam sampah?) ..

Karma does exist he said. That jersey pun dah dia buang. kalau dia nak he will get a new one.

I think tak payah la kot ,, if betul dah buang (maybe dia bergurau je,) tak yah beli baru. Aku dah susahkan shafiq kot.

I told him, aku jenis yang tepati janji. When I promise something I akan tunaikan.
Shafiq cakap : tak berbaloi tepati janji untuk orang macam tu.

it's ok.

macam shafiq cakap : karma does exist.

I tak nak doakan yang buruk-buruk pada kiroro because I love him. To me, he is perfect, though di mata orang lain dia banyak flaws.

I percaya kalau betul what goes around comes around, I hope someday there will be someone yang akan buat benda yang sama macam I buat pada kiroro dan apa yang harap i dapat buat pada kiroro. I hope he will show me that all this painful moment and that feeling of being abandoned and being treat like a trash will someday worth it.

Shafiq cakap : stay positive. Go with the flow.

Yes, I will. Aku kadang-kadang boleh je hidup tanpa berfikir sedikitpun tanpa kiroro but he came into my dream. Haihhh.

Maybe I was lonely. Sebab tu la jadik macam ni.

Ok, jom kita pergi istanbul. Semoga aku dan fatin akan jumpa jodoh kat sana.. Insyaallah 2016 akan ke sana. Cepatlah habis belajar. cepatlah grad and kerja. I can't wait...........

Tahun 2015, akan buat kerja gila lagi. sweet escape. Hurm macam nak pergi singapore sorang-sorang lah.

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