Saturday, April 18, 2015

no caption.

when I sit with her, listened to her story I almost drop my tears as much as I can see her trying to hold back her tears. Sorry lah hati aku ni tisu sikit, tu pasal orang selalu boleh permainkan je hidup kau, selalu orang takes me for granted but never mind, mama pesan hidup ni kena buat baik pada orang dan kena sentiasa belajar untuk berdikari selain hidup ni kena berani harung semua obstacles in life. Sebabnya kita bergantung pada Dia untuk tolong kita dan lindungi kita.

sebenarnya aku mula perlu belajar untuk selfish a bit, filter the kindness that I wanted to give to others. I must learn to give to those who really need them, don't care if they are just strangers and also to those who will appreciate you.

Back to main topic :

Dugaan hidup manusia ni berbeza dan sebenarnya tipu kalau manusia cakap 'aku paham kau' bila dia tak mengalami hal yang sama. Last night, I just chatted with her while waiting for the night performance to start ( involved with a camping in school ) . I have to hold back my tears while listening to her story because she was in my situations right before she survived to be who she is today. I do really understand when she said she got depression few years ago because I also have depression but I refuse to rely on medicine because I believe that I am strong to overcome this illness. Hidup dia hampir sama macam aku cumanya tak de lah nak sama 100% kan.

Selagi kau tak berada dalam situasi dia, kau tak akan betul-betul faham macam mana perasaan tu . Perasaan depression tu macam mana hell nya, macam mana sakitnya, and the struggles that you need to endure to overcome your depression.

Walau apa pun halangan hidup, be a survivor. Hidup kita ni dugaan dia berbeza dan yakin Allah uji kita tu sebab Dia tahu kemampuan kita. Maybe di pihak kita, we wish to give up and end everything but believe me,, if you believe in HIM, you will be fine in the end. She told me, you cannot surrender to your miserable life, you cannot surrender to your depression. Kena bangkit. Kena banyak ingat Tuhan. Be closer to HIM, that is the only cure.

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear…”(Qur’an, 2:286).

Insyaallah I will. ;) I hope you will stay strong sister.

Betul kan ape orang cakap, the loneliest is always the kindest. The loneliest is the one who always laugh the most. She is a happy go lucky person but who knows the struggles that she endured for all this while. At least, I know there is someone who has been there in the same situation like me but she made it. So, I can do it too. Insyallah.

Ok sedih. I feel like crying right now thinking that I have come until this far. Can I make it to the end?

it's my privacy.

I am mad.
Seriously I do but I keep it inside. Karang cakap ada yang sentap.

Ok maybe aku perlu untuk belajar meluahkan, belajar untuk tak perlu jadi baik sangat dengan menjaga hati orang tapi hati sendiri tak terjaga.

Aku paling tak suka orang sentuh my private life, my privacy. Come on,, who are you to invade my privacy? Even if we are very close, make sure you ada borderline untuk hormat privacy orang. Apatah lagi kalau aku tak rapat dengan kau.

Pantang betul aku. Fuhhh.. Sabar la hati, sabar. Maybe someday kau akan terlepas cakap ' mind your own business' and get ready for another conflicts in life. hahahaha. So sabar, hold your tongue. Aku tak suka bila orang marah bila aku tulis blog, this is my blog you have your own blog too so mind your own business. Bukan aku nak buka semua kisah hidup kat blog ni pun, unless kau stalker yang gigih lagi kental nak scroll down all my entries. *laughoutloud*

Aku tak suka bila disuruh buat itu ini untuk solve masalah kau. Just provide a solution, not a decision. Urghhh. shut up please.

Now kau dah paham kenapa aku banyak diam dan bercakap hanya bila perlu. Sebab aku rasa bila orang tu tell their problems, all they need is a pair of ears to listen, bukan kata-kata yang boleh tambah api jadi marak. *macam batu api la konsepnya* Provide with rationale and few solutions. The rest, let them decide.

Senang kan?

Tapi yang senang ni la ada yang tak reti bahasa nak buat. Dan aku jugak marah bila ape saja aku buat being judged. Itu salah ini salah. This really piss me off. Kau sape? Kau sape untuk judge aku? Hanya kawan. Hanya kawan dan bukan kawan baik pun. So mind your step, mind your words before I speak out. The calm one and the silent one are the one that you should fear of actually. Sebab sekali aku cakap, karang sentap dia boleh buat hati kau bernanah. That's why selagi aku boleh sabar, aku diamkan sebab aku percaya 'words can be even sharper than sword' . The last thing I do is to hurt anyone.

Tapi kau tunggu je masa kau. Lambat laun, kalau bukan aku, orang lain akan tolong kasi sound sama kau. masa tu, aku nak tengok tara mana kau boleh accept. *evil grin*

Now, get lost. Tak sabar betul nak habiskan belajar. Get out from this place and do all things that I love to do.

My privacy, is doing things that I like without being judged. You bukan siapa-siapa nak judge hidup aku. When you learn about people, when you learn to be in their shoes paling tak kau belajar untuk kenal dia dan hidup dia kau akan cuba untuk paham kenapa dia jadi macam tu instead of judge her/him. That's why aku tak pernah mudah nak judge orang kalau orang tu dianggap jahil orang masyarakat sekeliling ke ape contohnya, sebab there must be a reason beyond everything. So respect them, respect their privacy. Mulut puaka you tak perlu kepoh untuk judge sana-sini.

don't !

The most important thing is , never surround yourself with negatives people who only see bad things in others. Don't. Nanti lama-lama you jugak akan jadik ada pemikiran macam tu. 

Never have a friend who can only bad in others, she/he will influence you. Actually, aku tak berapa gemar nak bercakap pasal orang. And I am a bit ignorance. I don't care about others, except my close friends and families. Aku hanya akan bercakap bila benda tu berkait dengan aku. macam nonsense things that pissed me off, then I will talk about it with my friends. Otherwise, I will just listen to the music, do my own work or sleeping ( my favourite activity ) . 

Then, something might go wrong if you choose the wrong person to tell about your problem. First, if you have a friend who can only see bad things in others, avoid that person. You better off alone. Sebab dia? 

1. Kalau dia boleh cakap buruk pasal kawan-kawan yang lain, tak mustahil dia boleh bercakap buruk pasal kau dekat kawan-kawan dia yang lain. Aku tak pernah bercakap buruk pasal geng-geng aku so far unless aku perlu untuk berbincang about something dalam kalangan geng aku sendiri untuk seek solutions. So please, better don't. I learn to keep most of the things to myself or find someone yang boleh dipercayai. 

2. Kawan macam ni selalu akan jadi batu api daripada jadi good problem solver. Dia hanya akan keep talking bad instead of trying to rasionalise things supaya kau tak perlu parahkan masalah kau. Cari manusia yang bila kau cakap pasal problem kau dia boleh calm you down and rasionalise balik ape yang berlaku. Sebab kadang-kadang konflik berlaku disebabkan oleh salah faham je pun, tak pun keadaan yang buat hal tu berlaku. 

3. Kalau kau sentiasa dengar dia talking bad about others, believe me kau akan nampak satu-satu aib dia. takut kan. Always remember point a finger to others, another 3 fingers will be pointing to you.. Contoh nya, kau cakap buruk pasal orang tu hanya sebab dia freehair, believe me,,, kadang-kadang kau sendiri pun solat tak pernah nak cukup. Aib tu lambat laun akan nampak jugak di mata manusia. I am a good observer , I observe thoroughly. I observe everything just don't say anything. Tuhan dah tutup aib kita, kenapa kita nak buka aib kita dengan membuka aib orang lain. It is quite frightening to have friends like this. Anytime mereka boleh buka aib kau,, sebab kita ni manusia biasa , we are all sinners and always be a sinner. 

4. A complete package, this type of friend can never accept any criticism towards her/him back. Kritik and kutuk orang sedap, tapi bila kena balik kat batang hidung sendiri dia akan melenting macam nak rak. Sebab tu sebenarnya boleh je nak smash balik bila dia kutuk orang tu orang ni tapi karang ada yang bermasam muka setahun. So just listen, nod and don't take it hard. Dengar, then forget. Don't let it affects your mind. 

So, choose your friend wisely. kadang-kadang, being alone tu bukan bermakna kau ni lonely tahap mereput, tapi sebenarnya kau ada kawan baik yang cukup baik. Bila dah besar ni, always remember 'decrease your circle but embrace them. Never surround youself with negative people. So bila hang out tu kau hanya akan bercakap pasal diri kau dengan dia je bukan tentang orang lain....Banyak benda boleh borak pasal diri sendiri berbanding bercakap pasal orang lain. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

i hate it when someone touch on my privacy.
no matter how close we are, make sure you have your border.

happy birthday dubudubu

What a weird nickname of dubudubu. Whatever,, let it be.
I don't know how to say this, but ermmmm..... happy birthday dubudubu. There are so many things that I wanted to wish you, and I wanted to tell you so I am writing this for you.

Babe, I can't recall when is the exact date that we became good friend. Though we are classmate but before this we didn't get close like this. I was busy and always away from class for student council commitment and I have my own geng to hang out with. I must say, I hardly attach to anyone because I am having my own conflict in myself but then we get close, and getting closer until today. Probably we can get close merely because we share something in common. You know what, you cannot open to anyone easily. If they are not in the same boat like you, they might judge you.

We get close and I learnt a lot actually from you. I enjoyed doing all those escapades with you. I enjoyed doing stupid things with you. Ape je kita tak buat, hahaha. Break the rules dah selalu buat, lepak pantai lepak sungai jogging sama-sama, melantak tak ingat dunia sama-sama. Semua dah buat. Thank you sebab tak biar aku sorang-sorang, thank you for not letting me to walk alone. I know your siblings, and I could see how much you love your family. You akan jadi tulang belakang keluarga, so stay strong demi mama dan adik-adik yang lain. I know you will. Seronok kenal your sister, kenal your mama and angah. May Allah bless you and your family.

Babe, today is your birthday. Semoga dengan bertambahnya umur ni, you akan jadi manusia yang lebih baik. I hope you will become stronger, and wiser and better muslimah. We are all sinners but it is never too late to change. Semoga setiap kesilapan yang kita buat, akan menjadikan kita manusia yang lebih baik. Babe, never astray from HIM, selagi kita berpaksikan Tuhan, Insyaallah we will be fine. Always remember Allah and mama in what ever you do. I know how broken we are, but I hope we will stay strong. As a friend, I just want the best for you and I don't want anyone to hurt you anymore and just treat you like nobody important. Have faith, have pride to walk away, and you kena kuat kena ada prinsip hidup yang kuat. You need to be strong for your family. May Allah protect you from any danger. Don't do something that you will regret later because sometimes, a wrong move can hunt you forever. So stay strong and remember HIM in whatever you do. * I need these words from you too later, when I need you to stop me from doing anything stupid *

babe, we shared so many things together, even our dreams. Let's make it a reality someday. I will never get bored to travel with you again. I know you can walk alone, I know some might think how lonely we are for being a lone ranger but we have each other Insyaallah. Someday I am not around you anymore, remember that whatever happen never lose hope. Always be kind like you always do,, and never forget HIM.

Babe, jaga hati. take a good care of your fragile heart. Never let they hurt you again. I cannot thank you for everything you did to me. Enjoy your life, age is just a number.

Lastly, happy birthday babe. Aku tak mampu nak buat kek batik untuk birthday kau but already treat you kan. Nanti kita celebrate lagi dengan little pumpkin. If you feel like running away, come to me, I can always run with you. If you feel like crying, I am here to lend you my shoulder.. Don't bottle up your emotion.

Bonne anniversaire mademoiselle. Je t'aime beaucoup.

Al Fatihah

Setiap yang berjiwa pasti akan merasai mati. Last week, aku dapat berita yang anak kak N telah kembali ke rahmatullah. ( if you are reading this, please take a moment to recite Al Fatihah ) . Her son suffered from stage 4 bone cancer . 

To be frank, I couldn't find any strengths to text her for takziah. I can't. Because I have seen the struggle of a mother to save her son. Betapa aku melihat Kak Nik yang tak pernah berputus asa untuk bawak anak dia berubat sana-sini. Betapa dalam struggle itu dia terpaksa mengajar, terpaksa sambung belajar. ( if you wonder who is Kak N, she is the one that I took the assignment to finish her thesis) . She don't have much time to finish her thesis as she needs to take care of her ill son. I met her once, she is very friendly and she is a happy go lucky person. If you meet her for the first time, you wouldn't expect that she is holding such a great burden on her shoulder. Finally, her son was returned to HIM. 

She didn't give up. Betapa kuatnya wanita ini. Aku kagum, dan aku tak mampu bayangkan perasaan seorang ibu kehilangan satu-satunya anak lelaki dalam hidupnya dan anak nya cukup manja dengan dia. 

Kak N, I am writing everything that I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I am afraid if my takziah will bring more pain to you. Aku doakan semoga keluarga ini diberikan kekuatan untuk menempuhi ujian ini dan manusia yang sabar dalam menempuhi ujiaannya pasti akan diberikan ganjaran yang setimpal. I know you are a strong woman, a very strong mother who never give up hope, and I hope you will stay strong after this loss. 

Insyaallah, someday you will meet again with your son in the hereafter. May you son bestow among the righteous people, Insyaallah. 

At least, I am happy to know that she got A for her thesis. Rezeki untuk akak, dalam setiap ujian yang diberikan Allah permudahkan jalan yang lain. 

Semoga Allah akan sentiasa merahmati akak sekeluarga. 

Thank you.

Thank you for everything I have with both of you.
Thank you for the love like siblings. I hardly have that feeling of having real siblings. With both of you rasa la macam mana siblings tu boleh jadi macam puaka kadang-kadang. Hahaha.

Thank you for all the bullies I did . I remembered minum air ashratul tanpa rasa bersalah padahal tahu dia memang jenis minum air banyak. 
Thank you for being there to listen to my rambles and nonsense mumbling. Thank you for the supporting words, thank you jugak untuk ayat nasihat yang menusuk je dasar ulu hati pedih dia tu kan tak usah cakap tapi itu la kenyataan yang kena terima.

Terima kasih sudi turut sama marah akan apa yang berlaku pada aku, sekalipun aku dah tak mampu rasa apepun lagi, thank you jugak sebab up status kat FB sampai orang ingat you gaduh dengan husband, don't do that again little pumpkin it is not nice nanti orang ingat you post pasal rumah tangga you in public. Thank you for everything. At least aku belajar jadi bidan terjun jadi penggubah barang hantaran, at least aku pernah ada moment redah hujan lebat sambil berlari dengan kau sambil boleh gelak ketawa lagi. Thank you sebab selalu dengar apa dalam hati when I hardly let it out to others. 

Thank you sebab sudi habiskan sayur aku yang aku paling tak suka makan dubu-dubu. Thank you sebab mampu sabar dengan aku, nak-nak 3 bulan kita praktikal sama-sama, thank you untuk words of wisdom yang kau bagi, sebab hidup kita ni ada persamaan somehow so we can share everything dengan mudah sebab tak semua orang paham situasi kita selagi kita tak berada dalam situasi tersebut. Thank you sebab aku belajar something dari kau. Thank you sebab selalu akan ajak aku solat awal waktu before nak tengok movie ke nak keluar pergi mana-mana. Thank you for everything. 

Thank you to both of you sebab ada moment best kat penang. Went to penang untuk bachelor vacation little pumpkin, thank you sebab sudi bonceng aku yang berat macam badak ni pastu ada moment kena follow dengan bangla, uiyh dasyat betul Penang ni, thank you sebab sudi travel cheapskate dengan aku, thank you jugak sebab sudi terima hakikat that 3 of us ni memang gagal bab baca peta. kahkah!. thank you jugak sebab cipta memori kita panjat pagar belakang maktab untuk balik maktab sebab esok lecturer nak jumpa lepas tu lupa area tu ada cctv. Deng! I keep praying yang cctv tu dah jahanam kena panah dengan petir. Hahahaha.

Thank you sebab sudi celebrate birthday kat ice bowl melaka. Hahaha.
Thank you jugak bila kita share satu bowl laksa penang masa hi-tea persaraan pensyarah tadi, aku gigih tak taruk sayur bawang and semua bahan-bahan dalam laksa penang tu kecuali telur, kuah dan laksa sahaja tapi korang gigih pergi tambah tu semua termasuklah cili bawang sayur. Haihhh. Yeah, aku mampu makan makanan pedas sebab korang but no to sayur.  

Thank you sebab aku mampu tunjuk diri sebenar aku dengan korang dan mampu terima dengan baik walaupun ada certain times kita akan bertegang urat jugak. We fought and we love again. Thank you jugak at least I learn to remember little things about both of you. At least aku tahu little pumpkin ni tak suka makanan tapau tapi suka makan panas-panas kat kedai, dan akan minum banyak air. At least aku tahu si dubu-dubu ni suka jalan-jalan tepi sungai and have high taste for perfume and branded stuff.Thank you jugak sebab sudi makan nasi tepi sungai melaka tu haaaaa. sadis betul rasa.  

Thank you for everything that I cannot list out here. Jom escape lagi nanti. You are the love of my life.
 For every little things that I know about both of you, I am proud. 
p/s : ni tang bila kita nak pi photoshoot kat gurun sahara kat kelebang ni hampa semua? 

can't believe that little pumpkin yang kawen dulu. Aku yang akak ni still forever alone. kahkah.

hi tea moment . May our friendship last until ke anak cucu. ewaaah. . 

deleting. deleting.

delete a few unwanted contacts.
deactivate my FB demi menyahut seruan my friend yang mampu hidup tanpa FB. How did you do that?
Trying to delete my wechat account but failed miserably. Sebab dia tak boleh delete account. Aisyh.

Now, number aku pulak yang problem. Line tu saja gedik aku tukar lepas tu baru realise macam mahal. Kahkah. Nice one syazzy. Now it is either I can the operator line back to celcom or I buy a new number. I am considering to use Umobile but I love my old number.

Then I told myself. Maybe this is the best time untuk start new life by removing a few people in your life. So, I just need a new number. Not now, malas nak layan sangat sebab macam nak settle masa cuti nanti. I just changed my wassap number jadi number maxis aku instead of my celcom number and already updated my number kat group wassap and family members. So kalau tak dapat wassap tu, pandai pandai la message or call sebab aku still on number celcom aku. Jangan nak menipu cakap wassap tak dapat ke ape sebab aku dah update kat situ. Lagi satu, bila tak dapat wassap orang tu, nampak tanda tak doubletick, message je la at least kan. Easy.

Maybe bila guna nombor baru ni, aku hanya akan update pada contact yang betul-betul perlu. Yang betul-betul aku ingin untuk terus berhubung dengan mereka. Ni masa untuk aku pentingkan diri sendiri. Selama ni, bila contact ajak lepak berjuta alasan bagi tapi tengok recent activity boleh je bersuka ria. Member yang jenis datang bila dia perlukan something ni patut tak perlu contact dah kot. So, change your number, and start a new life. Aku memang perlu remove certain people in my life. I am sick of the drama. I am sick of everything.

Sama juga dengan account wechat. Aku nak delete sebab banyak male contact dalam wechat which I found it improper sebab banyak gambar aku upload kt moment wechat. Aku rasa sekarang ni tak perlu kot publish gambar pada male friends sangat. Salah satu sebab dia aku tak suka bila dia curi-curi ambik gambar aku kat wechat. I just need to safeguard myself. Tak perlu nak tunjuk sangat kalau hanya untuk raih pujian and I prefer gambar-gambar aku untuk female friends je.

Tu jugak sebab aku deactivate fb, Nanti gatal tangan nak upload gambar, pastu lalai.Aku akan selalu activate tapi hanya untuk respond pada kerja berkaitan dengan kerja aku dan juga invitation member kawen ke. You can never live without a fb, sebab nak tahu update kawan-kawan. That's all.

It is time to have less pictures being posted too public. Rasa macam tak proper. Aku hanya aktif kat twitter yang mana banyak kawan highschool, dan juga instagram. Dalam Instagram tu pun aku tak upload gambar aku berdua dengan lelaki. Ini border yang aku perlu jaga aku rasa. Unless bertiga, ok la sikit.

I believe we as woman, kena pandai letak border. don't expose everything too much.
So I signed up for new wechat account,seronok aiyh post gambar sebab hanya add female contacts ada a few male contact je, less than five. Tu pun one of them is my own brother.

Back to main topic here, I will delete a few accounts for my social applications, and have new number. Maybe la nanti aku hanya akan update wassap dan wechat using my new number. Aku sangat menjaga privacy di samping aku rasa ini masa untuk remove certain people from your life. That's all.

I wanted to start everything new. Penat dah jaga hati orang lain. Penat dah nak pura-pura ok. So, nak pentingkan diri sendiri dengan walking away from certain unwanted people.. I am sorry. I am sick of drama. ;)

pelabuhan Port Klang.

kau ingat dia tu pelabuhan Port Klang?
Bila kau perlukan dia, kau datang berlabuh.
Bila kau dah tak sunyi lagi, kau berlayar tanpa goodbyes.

Keji. Cukup keji.
Aku pulak yang emo. I pity her maybe because I was in the same situation like her before.
The kindest always being hurt the worst.

I don't have the answer for that. , and I don't have to search for the answer anymore.

words may hurt.

Stop being sarcastic.
Stop putting all the blames on me.

Stop. Just stop and let end this nonsense.
I am not interested to entertain drama queen, I am not interested to involve myself with any conflict.

Pernah tanya diri sendiri, kenapa dia buat macam tu kat kau. Pernah? Maybe you hurt her with your sharp tongue. Be careful, words can be even sharper than a sword.

Pernah tanya diri sendiri apa kau pernah buat pada dia? Pernah? Yang kau tahu cuma salahkan dia. People distant themselves from you for reasons, at least for a reason.

You forgot to ask yourself what have you done until you created a monster in her. You just know how to blame her for being a monster. You don't know how badly hurt she was from your actions.

So enough. Stop hurting her with your words, with your actions. Let her go. Let them go. Let the monsters go away from your life. You created them. Remember that. So don't put the blame on them, Stop being sarcastic.

I had enough.

Sama situasi seperti aku. Bila kau semudah itu keji hidup aku miserable, keji akan nasib aku yang tidak bernasib baik seperti kau. Kau kawan baik aku, tapi itu bukan tiket untuk kau lancang seperti itu. Thank you for the words that I cannot accept, those painful words are like shrapnel that went straight through my heart. It stabbed me so deeply. Thank you for the words, not you created a gap between us.

Ok, go and enjoy your happiness. I can stay strong without you. You forgot who I am, dear friend. All those nasib malang that I encountered yang buat aku kuat. How could you, you are one of my best friend, just because of that insiden kau lancang dan celupar sebegitu sekali?

My God. Unbelievable. Tak pe la, at least nampak lah true colours of you. You are just a selfish moron. Huh. Should I cherish this friendship? Should I? Or should I walk away from your life? I will decide later.

covert intention

Never bargain with your friendship, love relationship and family relationship. They are not meant for business. I hate it when someone have an covert intention to be friend with me. Eff off! 

This type of people don't deserve anything. Just walk away from their life. You better off alone rather than being with them. I am sick of being used so I am walking away. 

Be sincere in your relationships *ape jenis relationship sekalipun* . Once you have a covert intention, then I am not intended to continue any relationship with you. 

Note that ! Annoying betul lah.

unforgettable memory

Last week, aku ada moment tak best tapi kelakar tapi clumsy betul rasa tapi entah lah. nak explain tu tak tahu so I can say, I have a mixed up feeling from this insiden. Bila ingat balik boleh buat aku rasa nak gelak sampai nangis kot.

Kereta yang aku sewa ni sebenarnya meter minyak dia tak betul sikit, erti kata lain dah miong sebab meter dia selalu duduk kat E level sekalipun kau dah refill minyak. So macam biasa, aku buat confident minyak kereta aku ada lagi tapi that evening aku rasa nak kuar withdraw money and nak isi minyak kereta sebab hati aku cakap minyak kereta aku dah sampai tahap nazak betul dah ni. Aku just mampu doa dalam hati semoga sempat aku isi minyak kereta. Keluar dah lambat, pukul 6 baru aku kedek-kedek nak keluar padahal pukul 7 malam dah kena masuk asrama kan.

Sampai je depan BSN, elok kereta aku mati. Oh my, oh my. sah kereta dah tak de minyak. Ni kalau mama aku tahu aku buat kerja macam ni lengah-lengah tak isi minyak kereta awal-awal she must be worried and kena 'nyanyi' dah ni. Ok what should I do now.Boleh buat cool dan tak mampu buat pape sebab dah start hujan lebat dengan guruh kilat bagai. *melaka memang suka hujan lebat bila petang* . I was scared actually, takut dengan guruh. Scary nya tak boleh cakap, sebab aku memang takut dengan guruh and kilat. Rasa nak duk dalam kereta tak mahu keluar but I need to settle this problem. So gigih la keluar dari kereta redah hujan masuk BSN withdraw my money, then masuk kereta balik. I don't know what to do actually.

Not until aku terwassap Ainun sebab aku nak topup number maxis aku then I told her that I stuck depan BSn sebab kereta minyak tak de. Lalalala. Colour me surprise , she was willing to come for the rescue. I was touched sebab that time memang hujan lebat sangat, sape lah yang sudi keluar hostel redah guruh kilat hujan semata-mata kan. She came and helped me. I was touched.

Terharu bila sudi tolong aku sampai aku drive safely masuk hostel padahal bila dia dah tolong tuangkan minyak yang dibeli kat pump station tu dah kira cukup membantu. I asked her to go back as I wanted to go back again to the pump station sebab nak isi minyak lagi. *just isi minyak sikit je sebab minyak tu kan nak isi dalam botol air mineral je. Ok la, asalkan sempat kereta tu gerak and sampai petrol station* .  Thank you sangat Ainun, walaupun kita tak satu kelas, tak rapat just selalu topup dengan kau. Kau paling senang nak mintak tolong. I owed you and I will remember your kindness forever. May Allah repay you with HIS blessing.

Maaf lah hanya mampu balas jasa dengan pizza domino yang kecik comey tu sebab area tu tak de kedai makan pulak nak belanja makan. Lagipun dah maghrib and pass 7PM. We need to rush back to the college.

lepas ni jangan hanya tahu pecut kereta laju-laju sebab selalu lambat pergi sekolah je, harus isi minyak kereta jugak especially bila kau tahu meter minyak kereta kau tu ada problem.. Betul lah kan, perempuan ni tahu start enjin kereta pastu jalan je terus. Kalau jadi emergency macam gelabah sotong jugak lah terkial nak tahu ape patut buat. Funny betul. Cerita kat partner praktikal aku pasal ni, free-free je kena gelak. Hampeh.

Ainun, again. Thank you. Merci beaucoup.

random stranger

I met this one single mother who sat next to me in the bus heading to Larkin. She was with her son and I didn't know that she is a single mother until she admitted it to me. 

She was so friendly. A malay woman, around mid 40. Banyak nasihat yang dia bagi along the way dari Singapore nak masuk Larkin. Antara nasihat dia paling buat aku rasa insaf bila dia mentioned pasal tudung and pasal Ketuhanan. 

According to her, kadang-kadang you perlu sedar perlu tahu kenapa you pakai tudung. Untk ape, sebab itu sebahagian dari tuntutan agama but she did mention, kadang-kadang you pakai tudung ni, susah sikit you nak berkawan dengan kawan-kawan you yang tak sealiran dengan you sebab mereka ingat you akan preach dyeorang padahal tak pun. So, kena banyakkakn sabar. 

Part paling penting, pasal memilih jodoh. Ye la, topik famous bila kau dah cecah 24 tahun. She said carilah yang tak outstanding sebab tak banyak ragam dan paling penting dia boleh patuh akan perintah agama. Kalau perintah agama pun dia awal-awal lagi dah langgar apatah lagi dia nak hidup dengan kita. She said lelaki sekarang payah nak cari yang baik. That's why dia nak didik anak lelaki dia tu supaya betul-betul menjadi lelaki yang gentleman. 

Lelaki sekarang ni, educated tu dah educated, tapi sikap tu yang sedih. They are not responsible, tak boleh nak tolerate bila kena buat kerja rumah, dan banyak lagi la. So she said, carilah yang baik,, semoga kita jumpa yang baik. 

Paling penting, perempuan sekarang ni kalau boleh belajar la tinggi-tinggi sebab kita tak tahu future kita macam mana. Like her, divorce and become a single mother tapi ok la ada anak untuk temankan kita. Kalau suami meninggal or sakit ke ( May Allah forbid ) , we have to be the breadwinner of the family. Bukan kita mintak yang buruk-buruk untuk jadi tapi kita kena prepare untuk sebarang kemungkinan. 

Tapi part ketuhanan tu paling menyentuh hati, buat aku bersyukur Allah pertemukan aku dengan dia. I learnt something throughout my short trip to Singapore. I met kind people and one of them is her. May Allah bless you sister and may the force be with you. Amin. Thank you for the advises. 

short trip to Singapore

last 2 weeks, I went to Singapore, but it is just one day trip. It was a rushing trip that I made, and I planned to go there within less than a week. Book a hostel, change the money and get a bus ticket to Larkin a day before I went to Singapore.

I just want to get an escape. Last 2 weeks was awful. Something happened and I feel that I don't get a justice from their judgement. I went there on Friday, right after I finished with my second observation from Mr. Thillai. The observation went not as I planned it to be, but never mind it is a part of learning.

Then I rushed back to the college, with my phone and tab battery half recharged and I don't have much time to charge them. I put a few things in my bag : kain telekung, towel, pants and shirt, and of course food. I rushed to Melaka Sentral because my bus was scheduled to be at 2PM. As always, I buat babak drama berlari dalam Melaka Sentral sebab aku dah lambat masa tu. We got stuck in the traffic congested. I was lucky enough the bus didn't leave me and I was the last person to get into the bus. Opps sorry that I was late for 5 minutes.

Along the way, I slept soundly because I was damn tired. That night I slept at 4am as I prepared the lesson for the observation and of course, my draft for research proposal. Sedar-sedar je aku dah sampai Johor. Sampai Larkin I went to surau and performed my prayers. Then baru gigih tanya orang macam mana nak masuk Singapore, I mean which bus that I need to ride and last time I remembered it was CausewayLink bus that will bring you to Singapore. Again, stuck kat custom emigration. Ramai lah pulok manusio nok masuk Singapore time tu. It was peak hour actually and I safely arrived Queenstreet at 7PM. I headed to Bugis Mrt to buy my tourist pass. Tapi malang a bit that I can only use EZ Link card.

Never mind, pergi cari hostel, made my payment for the hostel. I met my friend Ilia since I know she was in Singapore too at that time, and she was alone. As always, aku sesat sikit la nak cari hostel but managed to find my hostel. I went out to enjoy Singapore nightlife with Ilia. I was a bit frustrated because I cannot watch that waterfront performance like I used to watch before this. We just went to Esplanade and Merlion.

Tenang je rasa duduk sana, I have heart feeling session with Ilia. I poured out everything to her and let go all my bottled up emotions that I kept inside. It was a windy night and I enjoyed the moment with her. Then we separated as we booked different hostel. Balik hostel tu solat and terus tido but the room was terrible. Nak solat pun susah because it is very small and the other company in that room were unfriendly. Cehh. Never mind, ignore them.

The next day, I went to Ilia's hostel which is very near to Kampung Gelam or Arab Street... Sesat tu tak yah cakap, but I was grateful there's a very kind hearted Muslim auntie showed me the way to Arab Street except she didn't know where was Ilia's hostel. She was so friendly, and at her age of 64 she still have to work to earn her living . High living cost in Singapore, not everyone will live a luxurious life in such a big city. Jalan punyer jalan finally jumpa la jugak. Can only reach Ilia through wassap when I get the wifi. Cilok wifi hostel Ilia duduk 'Kiwi Backpacker' to contact her. Kemain lagi gigih plan nak pergi Chinatown tapi last sekali dia malas nak pergi. Hahaha,, this girl kan memang lah.

While waiting for her at the lobby, I spoke to a few foreigner and we shared information especially about Melaka and Kuala Lumpur. Eceh dah macam tourist guide pulak aku ni. I have breakfast with Ilia before we departed. She went to the airport and I continue my trip. Just jalan jalan cari ole-ole kat Arab Street but a bit sad sebab masjid Sultan was closed for renovation. Next time kalau nak stay boleh stay kat Kiwi Backpacker Hostel because it is near to that mosque and you can always pray there.

Penat jalan, dari Arab Street sampai kampung glam that night pun dah jalan sakan jugak before went back alone to the hostel, I decided to go back. Then of course sesat lagi but finally mampu sampai Larkin dengan jayanya. Traffic congested tak yah cakap, penat and kaki aku dah melecet teruk sebab jalan banyak . Ignore the pain, I kept walking. I met a wonderful single mother who sat next to me in the bus to Larkin (will share about her in the next entry). Arrived Melaka at 6.30pm and Syukriah fetch me at Melaka Sentral. I dozed off early that night due to fatigue . Tak mampu nak reply birthday wish so I read all the text next morning.

Ilia, it always a wonderful ride to be with you. Next time kita jalan lagi, sebab pergi Singapore ni macam masing masing pergi solo trip. We just met for a moment so next time let's have a proper plan. Thank you for being there for advises and for lending me your shoulder to cry on. *can't wait for her trip to Melaka and I am honoured to be her tourist guide* Cepat lah datang and I can pretend to be a tourist as well . Ngeeee. ;)

Yeayyy. The end of journey. Nanti aku datang lagi taw. It is just that aku ni tak de sense of map langsung. Guna la waze ke, map ke konfirm still sesat lagi. So I save my energy for figuring out the way I use my mouth to ask for directions.

Monday, April 6, 2015


gedik hantar message sebab tahu wassap dia dah blocked cakap tak nak wish birthday aku ke. As usual, no reply.

until this morning, dapat la reply message dari kiroro. Hurm, mungkin dia reply pun nak tak nak je, or sebab out of terpaksa.

sedih kan. macam desperate je nak dapat wish dia. Padahal dia langsung tak total delete aku dari hidup dia.

4 months.

jujur, rindu!

ok, I need to move on.

eventhough I have so many stories to tell, so many movies to share and so many songs for him to listen to.

* holding back tears *

my world turn upside down.

currently my life has been so busy. It was very hectic, I sleep less and I have been tested not only in the term of physical aspect but most importantly through my emotional aspect. However, I am grateful for the years that I lived, I turned into 24 years old by 5 April 2015. Yeah baru lepas dua hari birthday aku. I am grateful for everything I have, for everything I have learnt and for every breath that I take. Hopefully, I will become a better person.

Today, my second draft for my research proposal has been rejected again. This is what happened when you read less and you gain very less inputs regarding this subject. *sigh again and again*. If I were to explain about what is going on about my course, I have to write a special entry about it so I think, nahh just ignore. I know I learnt a lot from my supervisory lecturer, Mr. Thillai eventhough my draft has been rejected again and again. It is apart of learning but it was damn hectic to finish up with a research proposal.

Today, I was terribly hurt by this one librarian teacher at the school that I am currently doing my practicum. How could she just simply switched off the light and fans when I was still there, typing my proposal. Gosh, so damn rude this fella. She don't even say 'maaf ye, akak nak tutup library dah ni." . She just remained silent and switched off the fan and lights. Where's your manner sister? Where is your manner as a teacher, and as a human? Then I asked myself, I realised about this kind of 'cold' treatment that she and her friend gave to us ( me and my partner ) everytime we entered the library. First it started with the photocopy thingy. A few weeks ago I have to print and photostat my work and I asked their permission to use. Then the next day, I saw the notice on the printer that require us to pay where before this I haven't seen it. Wow! That kind of cold and harsh treatment was terribly hurt but I took it lightly. I tried to smile and talk to them as well, but you can see how unfriendly there are with you. So I started to wonder, do they hate us? If yes, for what reason? So far, I never been rude to anybody, I respect each and everyone of the staff including the cleaners. These two teachers really pissed me off especially when one of them did that kind of harsh and rude action on me today. I lost my respect towards her, by today from that incident I instantly lose my respect. She treated me like I am invisible girl. "hello, can you see me?"

Apa salah kami? Sebab kami guna library? habis cikgu lain tu tak boleh guna ke? Kami duduk library sebab dekat dengan kelas berbanding nak duduk kat bilik gerakan. Sedih kan bila kau datang tempat orang untuk gain knowledge and experiences tapi kena treat macam tahi macam ni. Seriously I was hurt. Tapi, orang kata adab belajar erti hidup. Kita akan jumpa species yang entah pape macam ni, yang tetibe boleh tak suka kita padahal kita tak pernah pedajal kan hidup mereka pun. Jadi, sabar je la.

This is the second incidents that happened to me in this school and I started to dislike this school. I just can't wait to end my practicum, which I have about one more month to go. Urghh lambat gila lagi nak habis praktikal ni. Aku dah cukup emotionally stress dah ni duduk sekolah ni. Bila kena treat macam orang tak suka kita, kita rasa dah tak seronok duduk kat sekolah tu. Sabar, la tahzan. Sabar. Berkali aku pesan pada hati. Keep on smiling. Habis je praktikum, cabut. End of story.

The first incident happened last week between me, my partner and the administration. Mungkin atas sebab stress tu jugak, I went to Singapore alone just to get a short gateaway. Kaki melecet berjalan di sana sambil sesat sana sini cukup untuk buat aku tenang bila tengok panorama malam di Singapore. I met my schoolmate there, we have sesi luahan perasaan di hadapan merlion. wow, jauh betul aku dan Ilia pergi. I went there alone, meet her for a moment then we separated. I went back to Melaka by Saturday and I dosed off early that night, unable to reply any birthday wish from anyone. Sorry, penat sangat.

I was mad and sad for what happened during the first incident. Pagi tu kantoi nak punch in kan kehadiran untuk partner, dah kena bebel depan-depan dengan admin tersebut. I think she shouldn't do that, humiliating someone in front of everyone is never a professional act. Then I apologize and cabut since I got class to catch. Lepas tu, dapat pulak relief class satu jam. Niat di hati nak mintak relief tu dipendekkan jadi 30 minit je, tapi entah ape jadik, terus jadi isu besar. The best part, we have been called into the head mistress room. Hahahaha maka bermulalah sesi nasihat + brainwash la kot. Lembut tapi pedih ulu hati. *reason to hate women's leaders, they rule with emotion* darn! and that is the part where I made such a stupid mistake. Terlepas cakap pulak ' tak kan saya nak datang pukul 6.30 pg puan" . hambek kau. terus kena cop kurang ajar, dan sesi brainwash berlarutan until 30 minutes. Padan muka!

I talked like that because I was mad. Terribly mad, because that admin shouldn't straight away send us to the head mistress. Bukan tak boleh cakap elok-elok. Bukan tak boleh nasihat elok-elok. Ni terus report masuk bilik guru besar tu agak melampau. Siapa tak marah bhai. Habaq mai kat aku, kalau kau duk kat tempat aku, rasa nak marah tak? First time buat silap terus kena camtu. First time mintak jasa baik budi pekerti untuk reduce relief class sebab kami ada kelas lain berderet terus kena cop macam kami ni malas masuk relief class. habis selama 2 bulan sebelum ni yang kami masuk without complaint tu apadia? Hari tu, aku tak sempat makan pun, for the whole day aku tak makan. Balik sekolah tu terus tido. Malam pun tak makan. Sampai lah hari sabtu actually aku tak makan sejak kejadian ni. Busy dia sampai aku sanggup tido lagi dari makan sebab penat sangat.

But seriously, aku marah and sedih dengan treatment yang aku dapat. Bukan tak boleh terima teguran, tapi tengok la dulu situasi. Dengar dulu kenapa kami punch in kehadiran untuk orang lain, dengar dulu nape kami nak mintak relief tu reduce jadi 30 minit. Ni terus report kt GB ni macam tak professional. Rindu pulak kak hazra yang dah pindah tu. Dia cukup baik, cakap pun lemah lembut. I believe, kalau kau cakap elok-elok, orang pasti jawab elok-elok. Lepas tu, bila kau dah emo, orang lain pun mesti la emo jugak, pastu kau cakap kami kurang ajar, kurang adab. what the heck! I hate this attitude.

Sabar je lah. Tak lama pun lagi sebulan tu. habis je, terus cabut. Datang nanti semester depan. Haihhh, malas dah nak masuk sekolah ni bila jadi macam ni, rasa macam insecure. rasa macam anytime je orang boleh report akan kelakuan kau. Padahal kau tak de pun buat salah dan kalau betul buat salah pun, I am a human, I am not GOD. I am here to learn. Kalau dah tahu semua benda, tak de nya aku ni digelar guru pelatih dan dihantar ke sekolah untuk training.

Never mind, selagi kita tak buat kat orang, why worry. Focus on other important things to do. Berlambak lagi kerja nak kena siapkan.

till then, x0x0.