Tuesday, July 28, 2015

'' things I wanted to do with you ''

there are so many things that I wanted to do with you but I guess I won't have that chances anymore. If before I thought I was running out of time trying to find times to do everything I wanted to do with you just to create memories before my leaving. After what happened between us, I guess I know where is my position in your life, and who am I in your life. 

To be frank, I missed the old shazrynazad. The one that I knew during camping, the one that I knew will be texting me right after the camping and the one that I knew who brought me to watch the night life in Melaka with his motorbike. The one who showed much concern and once told me 'walaupun aku dah ada awek tak bermakna tak boleh concern pasal kau' . those words are just lies right? 

I don't know who is he right now, I feel like he is very far from me. I feel like we don't even close anymore, I feel like I am texting a stranger at this moment. I feel like everything he did is just because his parents wanted him to do that and not because of his sincerity. I don't know. His words and his actions are totally different. When he said he can made me not to feel being neglected by him but he didn't show with his actions. I should always trust actions right? 

What should I do? When the right thing to do is to simply walk away and disappear from his life but my heart says 'maybe I should stay. Who knows he might need me someday' but doesn't it very wrong? As if like I am a shadow, I am near to him but I mean nothing to him. Yeah, who does ever appreciate shadows? Shadows are meaningless existence.  

I don't know if he will remember all the memories that we've created before and I don't know whether he will sincerely change and not faking it with lies but I hope I leave good memories in his life if one day he did the same thing again to me. 

I don't know if he will remember our little stupid conversation in the car someday like I did right now, I don't know if anything happens to me will he come looking for me or even asking for my condition paling tidak if I am not around anymore he will sadaqah al-fatihah to me. 

there are so many things I wanted to do with you. Mungkin tak dapat lagi dah kot untuk dibuat sebabnya entah.. I don't understand him. I don't want to force anyone actually. Never mind, I can do all these alone and enjoy my solitude with some thoughts of him. 

1. teach him chemistry until he get at least c for his trial.
2. having some sort of dinner at hadramawt palace. Would be nice if he can wear white kemeja. 
3. going to seoul garden and spend time kat sana makan sampai mabuk. eheh. Beruang always have big tummy he can fill lots of food over there.
4. going to klebang, gurun sahara and we play kites, bubbles and take pictures.. 
5. going to calanthe art cafe and going to jonker street. will you buy me a bracelet so that I can have something to remember about you. I have nothing to remember about you. 
6. Karaoke sampai tak de suara. Hahaha. 
7. ride on ferris wheel and river cruise. we reminisce our first memories enjoying the night life in Melaka but please not pirates car. I can scream like an idiot sebab gayat nak mati naik bendalah tu. 
8. can we go to pulau besar melaka? it is like a short travelling with you. well, will you be my travelmate?
9. riding bicycle touring Melaka. 
10. remember when you said you want to teach me swimming? 
11. we watch movie and have the popcorn shared together just like we share our mekdi.
12. having ice cream together or at least cendol together anywhere 

I still have a few promises to keep. 
1. make lasagna or spageti for you. 
2. kek batik.
3. buy you reference books.

and when can I have my puding caramel buatan tangan chef shazrynazad? 

never mind. probably all these things should be left untold. I will always pray for your success because I see the potential in you. all you need is efforts,, and pray to HIM, always. I know everything I just don't say anything because I don't want to ruin everything.

I just want him to know, whatever happens I will always be the for him. This petite girl will always be there through his thick and thin, whenever he got confused with this world, whenever he feels like running away. I hope someday he will realise that he needs to keep important people in his life and appreciate them, before time appreciate what he had.   

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