Sunday, August 30, 2015

'' dekat tapi jauh ''

kita dekat. kau di depan mata aku. tapi kau cukup dingin. kau cukup jauh. kau cukup dekat tapi sangat jauh. Mungkin benar, we are just strangers with memories and I really have nothing else to fight for this relationship. There are so many things that I wanted to do with you, but you didn't care at all.

All your actions gave me the answers that I needed. Ada nombor baru pun tak pernah sedikit pun terlintas nak bagi tahu aku, atau nak DM aku mintak nombor untuk wassap. I was hurt, nampak sangat tak diperlukan, tapi kena lah terima bukan. Dear heart, be strong and heal. I have done my best, but it is never enough.


Bukan soal salah siapa, cuma terkilan. Memang aku langsung tidak meninggalkan makna sedikitpun dalam hidup kau? Apa susah untuk kau hargai aku, is it so hard for you to fight and keep me in your life? I wish I am someone that you will afraid to lose, but I am someone who is easy to forget. Macam kau bilang suatu masa dahulu, kau mudah  melupakan.


I am not like. You will always be remembered, beruang as someone special in my life after rohilmi. I have two more weeks and maybe my leaving can heal me.

Friday, August 28, 2015

'' reality hurt, aku sedar diri ''

untuk sekian kalinya, setiap bait kata darinya aku hadam sungguh-sungguh, aku hayati betul-betul. Those words are too painful to take, but I rather swallow the truth than lies. Betul apa yang dia cakap,, sekalipun umur dia jauh berbeza dari aku, dia lagi matang dari aku. Sejujurnya.


Aku sedar semua kenyataan tu tapi aku pilih untuk tidak endah dan go with the flow. Until I become overly attached to him. Tapi benar setiap katanya, jarak itu terlalu jauh. Sejujurnya, aku tak kesah akan jarak itu, tapi masyarakat dan dia sendiri ambik peduli, jadi aku harus hidup pada norma masyarakat bukan.


So when he said he asked me to stay, he lied. He left. For the third time. I though it would be forever I lost him after our last heart to heart conversation. Tapi, hubungan dengan keluarga that chained us until now and he acted like normal. Entah aku pun confuse.


Sejujurnya, aku ingin tahu,, apa aku memang tidak diperlukan langsung dalam hidup kau? Apa aku antara mereka yang semudah itu dilupakan seperti yang kau cakap? Kau cakap kau mudah melupakan, I wish I can forget and erase you just like you. Then, kenapa perlu kita kembali berhubung? Aku dah cukup malu nak mintak kau hadir dalam hidup aku dan aku tak ingin kau dibeban rasa terpaksa, terpaksa berkawan hanya kerana disuruh orang lain.

Andai memang aku memang tidak diperlukan lagi, let me know. Ini aku ajak keluar ahad ni, pertanyaan aku dibiar sepi. Aku malu, macam terhegeh pulak sebab selalu ajak keluar but I wanted to spend every moment with you.

Slowly, I am trying to live without you. Kau pun dah tak chat lagi dah, walaupun wechat ada,, wassap dan twitter ahaha dah kena block. Jelas kan that I need to live without you, jelas sign tu supaya aku pergi dari hidup kau.


So instead of guna twitter yang satu lagi (twitter yang kau tak block) I used the one that you blocked me, I have to uninstall wechat sebab tahu nobody will chat me ( sebab dulu hanya kau yang menghuni hari dengan chat di wechat) .. Maybe instagram jugak selain facebook akan deactivate ( I finally cancelled my friend request, malu la orang tak approve request friend sebab aku jarang sangat nak add orang kecuali yang kenal rapat or girls yang banyak aku add)


I wanted to do all that just to live without you. Sebab aku kena hormat keputusan kau. Keputusan kau ingin kita sampai di sini sahaja, kau akan mudah lupakan aku jadi aku kena hormat. Aku tak nak jadi satu beban untuk kau lagi. Though it is not easy but I have to accept. Tapi beri aku waktu untuk betul-betul dapat pergi dari hidup kau. I wish I can spend more time with you before leaving, but it is too much to ask for from you.


I hardly open myself to be close with men but when I did, I choose the wrong person. I choose someone who is not willing to stay , not willing to accept me ...


By ignoring me, I know I have to live without you.. You are teaching me to live without you, so I am learning to live without you. Just me times. So far kita memang kau tak contact aku langsung, and I am adapting to live without you message/chat. 


even, dah ada nombor baru pun tak message aku awal-awal bagi nombor kau. So tak pe lah, I shouldn't ask for your number sebab aku rasa entah, macam memaksa pulak mintak nombor bagai, kalau rasa perlu bagi, bagi je la, tak nak bagi, never mind. We are adult. Nak sedih pun kena hadap jugak kan. Maybe itu jugak sign yang aku ni sebenarnya tak penting pun dalam hidup kau. So I chill myself telling that's okay. 

I still 2 more weeks before leaving  I should focus on my exam and spend time dengan family dia je la kot because with them I never look at my busy schedule as they are just very kind .


People come and go. If they want you to go, you should go. So I am trying to live without you. Cuma beberapa soalan aku, aku tak pernah ada di hati kau selama ni? Memang aku langsung tidak pernah penting dalam hidup kau, beruang? Memang semudah itu kau akan lupakan aku seperti yang kau cakapkan? If yes,, then fine. I have the answer, at least. 


sedih, tapi anggap je lah ni part of the lesson. Ada sebab Tuhan pertemukan kita. So it is time for departure, I am no longer needed, so must learn to live without. Payah jadi manusia macam aku, I hate myself for this. I hardly get close with any men, when I did I will get clingy and hard to forget.You are the second one after rohilmi. I will be fine, I hope so. 


I always make dua's for you. Be a good man. A good man bow down to HIM, a good man knows what he want, a good man work hard for his dream. I wish you well, shaz. 

'' what if ''

what if one day, I decided to choose my own path.
what if one day, I decided to be what I wanted to be for all this while?

Are you going to be disappointed with me mum and dad?
For all these while, I have been trying to make you proud with me, even to be a teacher.
Mum and dad, if one day I choose to be an engineer, please forgive me .. I am so sorry. I am deeply sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, instead I was hurt for this while doing things that I don't like. I am not happy.

But I promise, at least for the contract to end, I promise to be a good teacher, even for all this while I tried my best to be a teacher. I sincerely teach them . I believe whatever we do, if we do it sincerely because of HIM, we will get reward (pahala).

Entah lah. Sebab nak sambung master TESL kat oversea macam susah je dengan ekonomi sekarang. Paling tidak pun someday la kot bawak family datang sama untuk aku sambung belajar.


Everything I leave to HIM to decide.

hectic life

hardly have time to update my blog. I have so many things to say actually, but I don't have time to write even an entry. Since malam ni macam nak malas-malas sikit so aku curi masa untuk update blog. Nothing much pun except for hectic life.


Ye lah, tak semua orang tahu akan perubahan mendadak yang pihak kementerian buat untuk IPG and even sampai sekarang (even taklimat petang tadi pun tak capai kata putus) kami tak tahu nasib kami macam mana after cuti bulan 9 ni. It's okay, we need to adapt with current situation in order to survive. So I decided untuk buat praktikum kat Melaka je senang. Nanti mintak duduk asrama then sewa kereta. Settle.

Cuma, bila jadi macam ni semua jadi chaos , assignment, research, viva, exam semua kena cepat dari tarikh asal dan waktu nak spend and create memorable time dengan kawan-kawan tu dah tak de sebab masing-masing busy nak kejar deadlines.

Selasa ni viva dan hantar research, lepas tu settle untuk exam je nanti. Sekejap je lagi nak habis belajar. Semoga terus tabah untuk diri sendiri, I have come until this far so I need to finish this battle. Insyaallah may Allah ease for us.


Then bila fikir pasal future terus kecut perut. Sekarang ni dengan keadaan di Malaysia yang macam ni ( I don't have to say it much, you know better) so aku macam dah prepare mentally kalau posting lambat. So I guess that is fine with me, aku nak cari kerja part time (masalah dia mem besar mesti tak bagi).

So far, hectic yang amat je aku rasa. Lack of sleep. Muka dah kalah muka panda,, dengan pucat lesi, makan ke mana tidur ke mana. Stay strong. That's all I need.

Friday, August 14, 2015

' little things '

It is wonderful when someone you love can remember every little things about you.
it is wonderful when someone you love can love every little things about you.
it is wonderful when someone you love can just love your flaws and weaknesses, and he is willing to accept your flaws and willing to fix it for you.
someone yang akan marah and stop you from doing something crazy, someone yang akan selalu manjakan you and make you feel confident about yourself even though you are ugly.


I just wish you can reply to my tweets and keep the conversation ongoing just like you did with other girls. Or at least check on me if my tweets went sober.
I just wish at least you can post our picture in your IG even just for once telling me how much I mean to you.
I just wish at least when you are busy, let me know at least tell me goodnight. I can accept that, but just don't leave me hanging and waiting. I wish to have at least good night text from you.
I just wish you can show some actions that I am meaningful in your life.

MaYBE I am asking too much, permintaan itu terlalu berat dan tak kan pernah mampu ditunaikan. I know who I really am. I am sorry that I am not good enough for you and maybe never will. I don't dress up like a hipster, I don't have white and flawless skin like others (forever I will never be and will just end up like a zombi due to my health condition). and I am sorry for so many flaws that I have.


sedih. it is not only about tak reply text or sebab line problem. I can understand that.. Am I really important in your life? Mungkin aku yang patut sedar diri aku ni siapa,, an ugly girl.

Sekarang aku faham perasaan dubudubu bila kau bersama someone kau umpama someone yang tak dianggap, he never post gambar korang bersama, never show you off to others, and hiding you from others tapi bila dengan orang lain boleh kemain lagi publish relationship gambar bagai. Now I know. It hurts. Paling tidak rasa nak dihargai bukan. Sampai aku rasa nak post gambar bersama dekat IG pun tak mampu takut timbulkan rasa amarah dalam diri kau..

Little Things by One Direction
[Zayn:]
Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me
But bear this in mind, it was meant to be
And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me...

[Liam:]
I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile
You've never loved your stomach or your thighs, the dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine
But I'll love them endlessly

[Zayn:]
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if I do
It's you
Oh it's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all these little things

[Louis:]
You can't go to bed without a cup of tea
And maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me

[Harry:]
I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape
You never want to know how much you weigh, you still have to squeeze into your jeans
But you're perfect to me

I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if it's true
It's you
It's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all these little things

[Niall:]
You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you
And you'll never treat yourself right darlin' but I want you to
If I let you know I'm here for you
Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh

[Harry:]
I've just let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
'Cause it's you
Oh it's you
It's you they add up to
And I'm in love with you
And all these little things

[Everyone:]
I won't let these little things
Slip out of my mouth
But if it's true
It's you
It's you
They add up to
I'm in love with you
And all your little things

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

'' weak state ''

lately I have been showered with tons of assignments and quizzes to be submitted. I have been struggling with the deadlines and everything needed to be completed before this becoming Eid Raya Qurban. I am damn worried about my action research, which I am not showing any progress , not at all.  I hope my supervisory lecturer won't kill me. Wuuuu


Definitely I am lacked of sleep, having irregular sleeping patterns and being too hectic. I tried my best not to feel the stress, but I couldn't help it. Probably because of my weak state, I have to deal with low blood pressure. It is not something new in my life, I have to deal with it since I was in secondary school. I have health history that related with the blood loss and I haven't fully recovered since then. I have to rely on the medicine for almost five years before I decided to stop consuming the medicine, where I believe it is harmful to my body. I get fat as the result from the pills that I took and I am extremely sad about it. I have to fight alone without medicine since my first year degree in IPG and so far I can say I succeeded but sometimes I cannot avoid the effects such as having this low blood pressure. If my body is too weak, then I will easily being attacked with low blood pressure. 
I caused me to feel dizzy almost all the time, I feel like I was about to collapse at that moment if I am not strong enough, my vision went blurry, the dark circle under my eyes went bad and my skin went pale as well. No wonder I never heal from having this dark circle under my eye besides I went extremely tired and thirsty.. Kalah mata panda kot untuk eye bag aku walaupun aku dah refuse nak pakai spec mata sebab tak nak dark circle aku went worst.. sigh. I read the article related with my dark circle and if you read this you can click [ click here ]   to find out that anemia is one of contributing factor for my dark circle under my eyes. 

Having stage one anemia, I always look pale and my lips always look pale. It is not pinkish like some other healthy women out there and to be frank, I hate staring myself in the mirror. I saw a pale girl like a leukemia patient. I am not happy at all with my face but I am like other girls. One of the main effect due to my health condition, which is my anemia, I never have this chance to give blood donation. I will be one of the most eager and excited person to donate my blood but always ended up with frustrations when I was not eligible to donate because of my anemia as my haemoglobin is below normal. ;( dah 4 kali cuba nasib nak derma darah tapi tak pernah lepas. To add on this, if I went bleeding ( macam terluka kena hiris dengan pisau ke ), my concentration of my blood is slighly lower compared to others. Darah aku akan nampak lebih cair dan tak pekat macam darah orang lain due iron deficiency in my blood. 


I have to fight alone, sedih pun ye jugak nape la aku tak boleh nak sihat macam orang lain tapi I have to live with it kan nak buat macam mana. Hidup kena belajar terima dugaan dari Dia. Lagipun, aku tak suka nak pergi klinik sebab nak beratur satu hal, tak de masa pun ye jugak. Banyak sangat deadlines yang menanti. So far aku bersyukur aku belum pernah pengsan lagi. aku percaya mindset controls everything. I told myself I am strong, cheewahh. haha. Lagi satu, aku tak nak pergi jumpa doktor nanti kena ambik darah, uisyh nak hadap jarum tu benda paling ngeri dalam hidup selain lipas dan guruh. ;) 


okay. enough membebel here since I have nobody to be there to comfort me. Aku risau jugak dengan health condition aku sekarang, tapi nanti la pergi jumpa doktor bila ada free time untuk ambik ubat. Aku kalau boleh tak nak rely too much on medicine, dah trauma hidup dengan ubat selama hampir lima tahun. I had enough. 

Sunday, August 2, 2015

'' decision ''

to end a relationship is the hardest thing to do in life.
half of you convince yourself that we should fight for our final battle, there is still hope and miracle for the relationship to bloom again.
half of you told you that it is meaningless when it is only you who fight alone for your relationship.


Don't you get sick when you only as a wallflower in their life?
Don't you get sick when you only exist when you are needed?


you asked me to stay, but you treat me like a stranger. Tak rasa ke betapa hambarnya friendship kita shazryn? Kau chat sekejap then lesap. Kau kata tak boleh nak wassap, tapi twitter ada je kan? kalau kau boleh keep conversation with others why not with me? aku bukan follower kau dalam twitter?

actually , I am sick of words. Words tak synchronize dengan action.


satu je aku pesan,
belajar lah untuk menghargai.
itu yang aku pinta.
mungkin suatu hari nanti aku dah tak de dalam hidup kau,, aku harap aku tinggal momento indah dalam hidup kau.


it is not easy to come out with a decision to walk away from your life, but even if I stay I am still nobody in your life why would I stay.At least, show me a reason to stay, but you didn't show me any signs. aku umpama halimunan dalam hidup kau.


All I need is courage and just one day to spend my last time with you.
Au revoir.