Wednesday, August 12, 2015

'' weak state ''

lately I have been showered with tons of assignments and quizzes to be submitted. I have been struggling with the deadlines and everything needed to be completed before this becoming Eid Raya Qurban. I am damn worried about my action research, which I am not showing any progress , not at all.  I hope my supervisory lecturer won't kill me. Wuuuu

Definitely I am lacked of sleep, having irregular sleeping patterns and being too hectic. I tried my best not to feel the stress, but I couldn't help it. Probably because of my weak state, I have to deal with low blood pressure. It is not something new in my life, I have to deal with it since I was in secondary school. I have health history that related with the blood loss and I haven't fully recovered since then. I have to rely on the medicine for almost five years before I decided to stop consuming the medicine, where I believe it is harmful to my body. I get fat as the result from the pills that I took and I am extremely sad about it. I have to fight alone without medicine since my first year degree in IPG and so far I can say I succeeded but sometimes I cannot avoid the effects such as having this low blood pressure. If my body is too weak, then I will easily being attacked with low blood pressure. 
I caused me to feel dizzy almost all the time, I feel like I was about to collapse at that moment if I am not strong enough, my vision went blurry, the dark circle under my eyes went bad and my skin went pale as well. No wonder I never heal from having this dark circle under my eye besides I went extremely tired and thirsty.. Kalah mata panda kot untuk eye bag aku walaupun aku dah refuse nak pakai spec mata sebab tak nak dark circle aku went worst.. sigh. I read the article related with my dark circle and if you read this you can click [ click here ]   to find out that anemia is one of contributing factor for my dark circle under my eyes. 

Having stage one anemia, I always look pale and my lips always look pale. It is not pinkish like some other healthy women out there and to be frank, I hate staring myself in the mirror. I saw a pale girl like a leukemia patient. I am not happy at all with my face but I am like other girls. One of the main effect due to my health condition, which is my anemia, I never have this chance to give blood donation. I will be one of the most eager and excited person to donate my blood but always ended up with frustrations when I was not eligible to donate because of my anemia as my haemoglobin is below normal. ;( dah 4 kali cuba nasib nak derma darah tapi tak pernah lepas. To add on this, if I went bleeding ( macam terluka kena hiris dengan pisau ke ), my concentration of my blood is slighly lower compared to others. Darah aku akan nampak lebih cair dan tak pekat macam darah orang lain due iron deficiency in my blood. 

I have to fight alone, sedih pun ye jugak nape la aku tak boleh nak sihat macam orang lain tapi I have to live with it kan nak buat macam mana. Hidup kena belajar terima dugaan dari Dia. Lagipun, aku tak suka nak pergi klinik sebab nak beratur satu hal, tak de masa pun ye jugak. Banyak sangat deadlines yang menanti. So far aku bersyukur aku belum pernah pengsan lagi. aku percaya mindset controls everything. I told myself I am strong, cheewahh. haha. Lagi satu, aku tak nak pergi jumpa doktor nanti kena ambik darah, uisyh nak hadap jarum tu benda paling ngeri dalam hidup selain lipas dan guruh. ;) 

okay. enough membebel here since I have nobody to be there to comfort me. Aku risau jugak dengan health condition aku sekarang, tapi nanti la pergi jumpa doktor bila ada free time untuk ambik ubat. Aku kalau boleh tak nak rely too much on medicine, dah trauma hidup dengan ubat selama hampir lima tahun. I had enough. 

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