Wednesday, October 28, 2015

' without goodbye '

sometimes the best goodbye is without saying goodbye. You just walk away and never say goodbye. Let your goodbye is not being noticed at all, because if he cares,, he will find you. if he cares, he never let you go without goodbye. 

I am leaving, and this time I am not going to say goodbye because my present is never being noticed. Ada beza if someone wants to keep you for his/her own sake, dengan keeping you with love and care. Beza dia melalui perbuatan. 

 I am ready to walk away but this time, without goodbye. maybe I am going to change my number first. Biarlah kalau dia masih wujud di laman twitter or instagram or fb sekalipun. Let him see that I am okay when I leave him. Kalau aku sememangnya tidak pernah penting dan disayangi di dalam hidup kau, I better go. I rather be alone dari makan hati selalu rasa diri ni tak pernah penting. 


Goodbye is what I am going to do at this moment. When? Anytime. Right now. I have to have my own pride and dignity,, why would I have to be with someone who never appreciate me. I better go right? 

In relationship, there are two options. 
first : you end everything straight away. you get sad but eventually you will heal in the end.
second : you go with the flow, layankan rasa sakit diperlakukan macam tak penting dalam hidup seseorang, and in the end, they remove you from their life, you get sad. 


I wanted to choose the first option. If he cares, if they cares, they will show and they will never let you go. Trust me. Relationship is about sincerity not based on sympathy. 

'' looking for a soulmate ''

Choosing someone to be your soulmate is never easy. It is not like you choose someone (a guy or a woman) for fun, but choosing someone to be your soulmate is to complete you and to help you to become better. I have my own definition about my soulmate.

He doesn’t necessarily have to be fucking rich or handsome, enough that he is hardworking to build his own career, his own financial and his own ‘empayer’. Apa guna hidup dengan lelaki yang boros dan tidak tahu merancang masa depan, confirm kalau dah kahwin nanti hidup bergelumang hutang semata-mata. Knowing that aku ni jenis yang boros, sekalipun aku pandai plan financial aku, tapi percayalah I need a man who can control my financial and jenis yang berjimat cermat. Trust me, yang penting dia rajin cari duit, biar lah dia bukan lah CEO syarikat or pilot or engineer hebat sekalipun, asalkan dia tahu berusaha untuk cari duit. Dan aku, sanggup susah bersama-sama dia. Who care kalau perlu pakai kereta kecik sekalipun, tak pe lah mula-mula memang susah nanti lama-lama senanglah kalau tahu simpan duit untuk masa hadapan.

Handsome? Kalau tak solat kalau tak tahu erti setia kalau tak tahu bertanggungjawab apalah gunanya asset handsome tu. I am a type of devoted and loyal person. I don’t go menggedik layan another guy easily. So aku rasa aku tak mampu nak hidup dengan lelaki yang kaki perempuan. Hari-hari makan hati jeles je selalu buat ape. Dia panggil aku sayang, dia juga panggil perempuan lain sayang. Dan siapa aku di sisi dia? DAN siapa yang lagi dia sayang? That kind of man don’t deserve a loyak person to be his soulmate. He only deserve a playgirl too. Biar sama-sama rasa sakit dia macam mana. Aku sememangnya jenis yang setia when I love someone. To me, soulmate is someone that you should love and protect with all your heart. Dan aku mengharapkan soulmate like my dad. Setia menerima my mother seadanya. I am a girl with flaws, boleh katakan aku ni mudah kena game mudah kena tipu and banyak benda yang aku tak tahu. I hope my soulmate can teach me about everything and protect me. Cari lelaki yang setia ni penting if one day you married to him. Apa perasaan bila your own husband jenis yang suka flirt around dengan perempuan lain. Apa perasaan anak-anak nanti tengok mama dia selalu sedih dan kecewa dengan perangai bapak dia? I never see that thing happen in my family, and hopefully not in my marriage life too.

Looking for a soulmate, tak perlu ustaz sebab aku pun tahu siapa diri aku. Lagipun, agama seseorang itu bukan terletak pada ustaz ke tidak. Cukup lah dia selalu solat, tak pernah tinggal puasa, rajin cari ilmu agama. Semua tu nanti sebab dia akan memimpin keluarga. Seorang nakhoda tanpa iman yang kukuh, ranap bahtera keluarga. I want my children to pray and to become better muslim as compared to me, and I want a soulmate who can guide me about Islam, who can lead as Imam. Handsome kalau tak solat apalah guna. Sebab tujuan hidup adalah untuk menuju mati.

Lastly, educated soulmate and he can play sport. Educated soulmate ni walaupun bukan budak paling pandai dalam kelas tapi cukup education background okay sebab nanti dia akan emphasis kan kepentingan ilmu tu kepada anak-anak. Dia akan pastikan anak-anak dapat education yang terbaik. If possible, I want my children to be in Chinese school coz I know how their education system is going to be. I want my children to be excellent in their academic. I always love a sportman. It is wonderful to see a dad playing basketball or football with his children. Just like my dad trying to teach me playing cricket once upon time. I don’t mind if he wants to go for futsal, football, or even play games. I would rather support him to go as long as he knows his limitations.
Looking for a soulmate is to complete you, and if you are to reunite with marriage, right soulmate that you choose will determine your marriage life and affect your children.

Don’t go for look. Don’t go for money. Don’t go for someone with sweet talking. Cukup dia hargai kita, dia beli jam rm10 pun kita dah cukup happy. Cukup dengan setia, kita sama-sama susah sama-sama senang. Let’s get rich together future soulmate, then we can travel the world together. Tak pe kalau perlu kita share makan ikan seekor sama-sama rasa coz I don't mind sharing. Let’s work hard, I will be financially independent too sebab tak nak susahkan soulmate kerja sorang-sorang. ;) Let's work hard untuk bina rumah kecik yang kita sendiri bina plan rumah dia, atas tanah kita sendiri. Tak per lah kita hidup tak bergaya pakai branded stuffs as long as rezeki dan duit kita halal dan kita tak berhutang sana sini. It's okay rumah kita kecik tapi yang penting kemas. Mama pesan, hiduplah dengan kemampuan diri sendiri kerana itu yang terbaik.

I have seen many cases yang mana salah seorang dari soulmate mereka ni amalkan konsep biar papa asal bergaya. Penat hidup dengan hutang, penat hidup without money. I don't want my children to suffer just because of this attitude. They need good education, good food and it means money.

Soulmate ni tak semestinya nak kena share hobi yang sama, meraikan differences tu pun perlu. Macam sweet ape. Saling melengkapi. Sebab lumrah manusia banyak kelemahan bukan. I wonder who can accept my flaws? Who can accept my bad sleeping habit yang tido buas ni, who can accept me for not being pretty? I never value a soulmate through his appearance but his attitude. External beauty vs internal beauty, which one you choose?

dia handsome (external beauty) tapi dia la kaki perempuan, kerja malas, duit boros, kurang ajar (internal beauty) pulak tu

or dia biasa biasa saja (external beauty) , but he is hardworking, he knows how to save money, he knows how to plan the future , respectful and kind (internal beauty) ...

which one you choose?

She is pretty, very pretty ( external beauty) but she is high maintenance make up semua kena mahal, dan jenis pemalas even bilik pun bersepah (internal beauty)

or she is not pretty,, but she is educated, she is financial independent, she is modest tak membazir and rajin ..

which one you choose?


And I am still searching for the right soulmate. I found everything in Rohilmi but I know he belongs to someone else. So, let’s keep waiting. The right man will come. Good man treat woman with respect.  

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

'' answer ''

bila aku tanya, siapa aku dalam hidup kau. Am I someone important in your life?
kau jawab penting je.

tapi kenapa hati aku mengatakan sebaliknya? Kenapa hati berkata jawapan itu cuma untuk menjaga hati aku? Kenapa hati berkata bukan itu jawapan sebenar dari hatinya. Kenapa aku cukup berkecil hati diperlakukan sedemikian.


apa belum cukup aku sentiasa ada di sisi? Apa belum cukup semua itu untuk kau menghargai aku? I have no beauty for you to love me, I have no perfect body shape to lure you, I am just a girl with flaws, I don't wear updated outfit, I dont wear make up, I am ugly... Andai aku semua itu, baru kau hargai aku? baru aku menjadi seseorang yang penting dalam hidup kau? baru aku akan dihargai dan disayangi?


maaf. aku tak punya semua itu. dan jawapan yang jujur aku dapat dari pandangan mata kau, dari jawapan kau yang menidakkan kebenaran hati kau,, dan semua itu cukup untuk merasakan sekalipun aku di sisi kau, aku hanya akan menyusahkan kau aku hanya umpama bayang yang wujud tapi tidak akan pernah dihargai. Mungkin perlu untuk aku pergi sekalipun aku sendiri buntu how am I going to live without you, but I know I must go...


kau, dengan hidup kau. kepergian aku mungkin tidak akan disedari oleh kau. and I know even I am leaving, you will just let me go happily and you are not going to find me.. dan aku, dengan hidup aku.


cukup lah aku cakap pada diri, stay with him. apalah gunanya kalau wujudnya aku tanpa makna dalam hidupnya. cukuplah bila aku perlukan kau, kau hilang.


shaz. take care. au revoir.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

be strong

Andi pesan ...

'take care of your heart. be strong. jangan ikut perasaan sangat'


'jadilah manusia yang baik saja, Inysaallah Tuhan akan beri yang terbaik'

tapi aku dah jauh terpesong. aku dah jauh banyak berbuat dosa. ikutkan rasa hati, ikutkan rasa sayang...

God, forgive me. jaga aku kerana aku manusia yang cukup lemah. cukup-cukup lemah. I am so lost without your guidance.

I wanna go with the flow, dengan harapan flow yang aku ikut itu adalah bimbingan dari NYA, supaya aku sentiasa redha dengan ketentuanMu Ya Allah..

little by little

I forgot already the last time I remember his smile. I forgot everything about him. True that my heart love someone else right now, and it is no longer Rohilmi but to a man that I gave him by the nickname Beruang but I know this feeling is so wrong. Like he said, we can never work this relationship and I will never be somebody in his life.

but I fell hard for him and I completely forget everything about Rohilmi including my feelings towards him. Lima tahun rasa terhadap Rohilmi dengan semudah itu berubah kepada dia. Tapi bersamanya aku lagi sakit.

sakit bila aku tahu aku bukan siapa-siapa dalam hidup dia. aku tahu kewujudan aku hanya untuk sementara. sakit bila tahu sekalipun aku sentiasa ada di sisi dia walau selama mana sekalipun aku tetap tak punya tempat di hati nya. sakit sebab tahu aku akan mudah dilupakan suatu hari nanti. sakit bila aku tahu suatu hari nanti aku harus pergi dari hidupnya. sakit bila sebenarnya kenyataan itu terlalu perit untuk aku hadam...sakit bila aku tahu sebenarnya hubungan ini atas dasar kasihan, cuma dia kasihan pada aku ... cukup perit untuk aku terima. I am too pathetic because I need to beg someone to stay in my life when actually it is not what he wants. sadisnya aku rasa.

aku persoalkan siapa aku dalam hati nya? tidak punya tempat langsungkah aku di sisi nya?
I wish he can share everything with me, his problem his feelings, I wish I can inspire him to be somebody, somebody that he should (especially in sport), I wish he will be somebody for his family but I am nobody important in his life. Aku cuma wujud di waktu diperlukan sahaja.

what should I do?
I only have two option here,, either to go with the flow or to end everything.
If I go with the flow, I will be happy at the moment but I will suffer in the end, but if I choose to end everything I will suffer at the moment but I will be happy in the end.

but how can I live without you? apakah perlu aku ubah kembali hati aku kepada Rohilmi walau aku tahu pengakhirannya Rohilmi tetap milik orang lain?

I am not someone that he will be proud off, I am not someone that he will never tell the world that I'm important in his life. I am just a friend. mungkin level hanya kawan biasa yang pada bila-bila masa akan dilupakan.


I wish I can hear those appreciation words from him but I know never will. ;( I wish I can hear 'I don't want to lose you' from him... but I, will always be proud with him. tengok dia sewaktu MSS kebangsaan suatu masa dahulu, aku cukup bangga dengan pencapaiannya.. tengok dia bermain bola sepak di padang, I am too proud of him. cukup bangga, dan aku tahu dia boleh pergi jauh..

God, what should I do? little by little,, I am getting confused with my own feelings.