Sunday, October 25, 2015

little by little

I forgot already the last time I remember his smile. I forgot everything about him. True that my heart love someone else right now, and it is no longer Rohilmi but to a man that I gave him by the nickname Beruang but I know this feeling is so wrong. Like he said, we can never work this relationship and I will never be somebody in his life.

but I fell hard for him and I completely forget everything about Rohilmi including my feelings towards him. Lima tahun rasa terhadap Rohilmi dengan semudah itu berubah kepada dia. Tapi bersamanya aku lagi sakit.

sakit bila aku tahu aku bukan siapa-siapa dalam hidup dia. aku tahu kewujudan aku hanya untuk sementara. sakit bila tahu sekalipun aku sentiasa ada di sisi dia walau selama mana sekalipun aku tetap tak punya tempat di hati nya. sakit sebab tahu aku akan mudah dilupakan suatu hari nanti. sakit bila aku tahu suatu hari nanti aku harus pergi dari hidupnya. sakit bila sebenarnya kenyataan itu terlalu perit untuk aku hadam...sakit bila aku tahu sebenarnya hubungan ini atas dasar kasihan, cuma dia kasihan pada aku ... cukup perit untuk aku terima. I am too pathetic because I need to beg someone to stay in my life when actually it is not what he wants. sadisnya aku rasa.

aku persoalkan siapa aku dalam hati nya? tidak punya tempat langsungkah aku di sisi nya?
I wish he can share everything with me, his problem his feelings, I wish I can inspire him to be somebody, somebody that he should (especially in sport), I wish he will be somebody for his family but I am nobody important in his life. Aku cuma wujud di waktu diperlukan sahaja.

what should I do?
I only have two option here,, either to go with the flow or to end everything.
If I go with the flow, I will be happy at the moment but I will suffer in the end, but if I choose to end everything I will suffer at the moment but I will be happy in the end.

but how can I live without you? apakah perlu aku ubah kembali hati aku kepada Rohilmi walau aku tahu pengakhirannya Rohilmi tetap milik orang lain?

I am not someone that he will be proud off, I am not someone that he will never tell the world that I'm important in his life. I am just a friend. mungkin level hanya kawan biasa yang pada bila-bila masa akan dilupakan.


I wish I can hear those appreciation words from him but I know never will. ;( I wish I can hear 'I don't want to lose you' from him... but I, will always be proud with him. tengok dia sewaktu MSS kebangsaan suatu masa dahulu, aku cukup bangga dengan pencapaiannya.. tengok dia bermain bola sepak di padang, I am too proud of him. cukup bangga, dan aku tahu dia boleh pergi jauh..

God, what should I do? little by little,, I am getting confused with my own feelings.

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