It has been quite a while I didn't post any entry in this blog. Dah berhabuk rasanya. It is not because I don't have anything to write but I was busy adapting my life and tonight I feel like writing. I just feel like writing. I felt very sad tonight and I don't think I can contain everything inside my heart at this moment. I need to pour out this somewhere, usually to my friend but I don't feel like bothering them at this moment.
I felt like I am good not at all. I am such a loser. I am not good with relationship and I will never be good with relationship. I tried my best in every relationship but ended up everything turned out to be relationshit for me. Where did I go wrong? Let me list out one by one of my ruined relationship, the main cause of my sorrow.
first, I saw in my IG about a wedding invitation of a girl and a boy ( of course la a boy and a girl kan ) but they were someone special to me once before. She is like my soul sister and her best friend turned out to fell in love with me once before until it ruined everything. It ruined my friendship with her as she cannot accept the fact that her best friend who once fall in love with her fall in love with me ( she cannot accept him because she already has a boyfriend ). I really don't know how to put this but I just a bit disappointed that in this case I looked like the "perampas" here. Lagi sedih bila that guy takut untuk pertahankan yang he loves me that time, nak sangat jaga hati. Ok fine. I don't want to get into any conflict anymore. I promised two of them to return everything back to the point yang mana kami tak pernah kenal. at the first place aku pun tak tahu kenapa dia perlu add aku and kenal dengan aku, then fall in love with me? maybe sekadar tempat untuk move on when she cannot love him back at that time. So I left them. I have to hurt him, terribly.. so that he will hate me ( dengan alasan tak boleh lupakan kiroro, how stupid LOL ). Cukup lah aku nampak buruk di mata that girl, I love her and I don't want to hurt her. I apologised and everything was never the same anymore. We didn't text with one another until I saw that invitation card. I do not know that guy is the same guy that once fell in love with me or another guy with the same name. One thing for sure, it is not her boyfriend that she is getting married to. Apepun, deep down from my heart, I am truly happy for you. He is a very good man, he will take a good of you. The best soulmate that share the same passion of travelling, reading books and so on. If I were to be you, I would never let him go of a good man like him so I know you will be in a safe hand of a wonderful man. Choose someone that loves you more, my soul sister. hopefully you won't see me as a threat again in future. I was the victim, but I looked like the villain here. I always pray the best for you.
second, I feel that I no longer fit in among my girls. I don't know why and I don't know how it turned out to be this way. Maybe it is because of a conflict that occurred between me and her or maybe it is just because I hardly spend time with them last year when I shifted my roomate. aku tahu aku salah, tapi bukan bermakna aku tak pernah minta maaf. Why they think that I never apologise? I did, even for few times cuma waktu tak mengizinkan. so I just left with apologize note and present. Why do they didn't listen to my side ? Why did they have to jugde me like that. I have been observing for few times, whenever I tried to have a consersation with them in the whatsapp group, sometimes being left unintended. Sometimes, I got no respond at all. I felt humiliated actually, when the conversation went dry and doesn't spark anymore like others in that whatsapp group. I felt I am the most guilty person on earth. Above all, I am just a human with weakness, I made mistake in life. Since I am not fit in anymore, maybe the best way is to leave. I tried to be a good friend to them, maybe I am not that good. I am sorry for everything. Maybe at this age, leaving is the best option. I am tired of explaining actually. I am tired of questioning. Maybe when I leave, that is the best thing for them. and for myself too.
third, I fall in love with someone who took me for granted. Hanya datang pada aku bila susah. Bila senang aku tak pernah wujud. Langsung tak dihargai even sebagai kawan. Nak cakap satu post kat IG dia setiap kali keluar ( even when he is single ) langsung tak ada. Sekarang single boleh je post gambar dengan another girls. Bila ditanya macam-macam alasan keluar. UNtil one day I really asked him why he cannot accept me after all the efforts that I tried to win his heart. All I got was the humiliation. The reason behind all these were merely because I am ugly and old. I remembered every words that he uttered through that one late night phone call. It made me feel that I am the ugliest creature was created on earth. I know I am ugly, but when he said that, he succeeded to make me believe I have no space or any chance to be loved. Betul cakap dia aku perlu tilik cermin betul-betul tengok diri aku.
see, I am not good with relationship, no matter how hard I tried. I just want to be the best lover, the best sister, the best friend, the daughter , perhaps the best mom and the best wife but I don't know... I am scared of relationship right now. cukup lah kenal orang baru, terima je orang yang boleh terima aku sekarang. I am just a person, I made mistake but I tried to be the best for everyone. It is never enough I guess.